Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hey everyone, welcome back to Ask Kristi the segment where I answer your real questions about keeping kids safe. Today's question is such a good one that I wanted to read it out and share it with parents because I know so many parents, especially those parents with toddlers, are going to relate to this. ⁓
So let's check out the question. Now all questions are anonymous because I want to make sure that people feel safe to share and to ask questions. But again, this could be any family in any home anywhere. So, hey, Kristi, I know you get lots of questions and I'm sure you get bombarded, but I just need some help. I've been trying to teach my three and four year old, three and four year olds, which parts of their bodies are just for them. But I occasionally hear them say things to each other like tickle my bottom.
I tell them that their bottom is just for them, but they can tickle arms or necks instead if the other person is okay with it. The only thing is that sometimes if I walk away and then pop back in very soon after as I'm monitoring whether they have listened to me or not, I see that they are doing what I told them not to do. I don't know how to manage it so that I'm not bringing so much attention to it that they want to do it more, but also so that they realize it's a serious issue. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you.
Now, again, like this is such a great question because it's so normal. First things first, though, it's like what this person is describing is totally developmentally normal for kids to do this. Three and four year olds are very curious. They're exploring their bodies, they understand their world. Like everything is new and different if they haven't had it happen before. And they're exploring each other's reactions.
So tickle my bottom is almost certainly playful curiosity. It's not a red flag. However, unless there are other warning signs present. So, you know, I talk about this on my other podcasts and on like in regards to harmful sexualized behaviors. One behavior on its own is not an indication of abuse. However, it's something to pay attention to and something to notice. ⁓
So if there's other warning signs present, then yes, we need to start trying to understand where this behavior has come from. So if it's on its own and there's nothing else flagging, then this is developmentally expected behavior. So we just need to like take a deep breath. We're not failing. Our kids are not broken. They're just doing what they might've seen or heard somewhere else or what they feel is like funny because at this age, poo, bum, wee, farts, they're all hilarious.
So we just need to remember that this is quite normal and that there's no other reason. As long as there's no other reasons, then it's totally okay. What we're gonna do though is what this parent is doing is perfectly normal, perfectly great. I'm like clapping in the background thinking, yay, this parent gets it. Because we do need to interrupt this behavior. Because if we don't and it continues, it could get more serious, could actually become harm.
And these kids might not even realize that that is what it is. So, you know, we need to repeat it. Hearing a rule once, even 10 times doesn't mean it's wired in yet. Little baby brains, little toddler brains, their brains are literally still building the pathways that connect. "I was told this" with "I should do this right now." So, you know, it's why we have to repeat, repeat, repeat. Interesting side note, when we talk to children, when we tell them things,
research shows that it takes about a hundred times for it to actually embed and become part of like memory. When we do it in play, it only takes ⁓ between 15 and 20 times. So, like this is completely not what I was gonna talk about, but if we added play into this and practice this with them and made it like a fun game that we say, no, we're not allowed to touch each other's bottoms, it might actually embed quicker.
But going back to what I was saying, repetition you're seeing or this parent is saying isn't defiance. Like having to say this over and over again is not children being defiant, three and four year olds need consistent calm redirection. And that is what this parent is doing. It's over and over and over again without drama. And the drama thing that they brought up, it's really important. Because when we like, I know when my daughter was younger.
If I laughed at her swearing, for instance, she would do it more. We know this. Kids want to get a reaction out of it. They like seeing us happy. They like seeing us laughing. So if we react, we're actually playing into what they want. And it's just human biology, children biology, when we're laughing and we're happy, we're safe. So... ⁓
Not making it a big deal is really important to actually cut this behavior off quickly, quicker. So, too much attention onto the behavior can actually keep it going longer than it needs to. Any big reactions or long lectures or visible stress that that's interesting to a toddler. So when we catch it, we can simply and calmly just
Remember bottoms are private, redirect them, move on, that's it, no big moments, no big, you're naughty, you're bad, you're nothing like that. We don't want kids to think that this behavior is, you know, it's inappropriate and we don't touch people's privates because they're their privates, not your privates, private parts are private. But we do also want them to not feel like they've done something wrong and that, because they might hide behavior like this next time.
if they feel like they're in trouble. So what actually works and what a couple of practical things that people can do is, you know, this parent is already sharing alternative options. They're already offering like you can tickle arms or necks instead if the other person is okay with it. Beautiful. So keep that up, that's exactly what you do.
But you also can redirect them to something else entirely. Give them a job, time to pack up the toys, let's go play outside, change the environment, change the moment, get them outside of what they're in and what they're doing. Don't leave them in that space together where they're, you walk away and they continue. My favorite tip is to get, ⁓ is to basically redirect them to something else ⁓ and get them outside of what they've just been in and done.
And then next to that is, that when we reinforce the message of private parts and private places, we need to do it outside of the moments when you're catching that behavior. You need to do it when it's not in the moment, like they haven't just done it, you're actually catching it out or repeating the messaging in other moments. So the best times I used to use is shower times, getting dressed, you know, when we're having a quiet moment before bed.
That's when it lands without the heat of the moment attached to it. That's when it sort of embeds, when we're reminding them all the time, but there's no stress around it. The other thing I wanted to say is books, especially for toddlers and Books are an amazing resource. ⁓ You know, it's offering another voice to deliver the message. It's offering a social story that's not about you, not about you talking to them. It's about a story that tells them exactly.
What behavior we don't want them to show or why we don't show that behavior. ⁓ Sometimes kids need to hear it differently, not just from mom and dad, but you know, if we add some body safety books and some books into it, into their night time routines, ⁓ it's just going to add another perspective, another story, another reminder that that's not okay. Some of the best books that I like for this age group are The Underpants Rule and Only for Me.
I've got a list of books on my website. I'll drop the link in the show notes. But this parent is already doing a lot of amazing things, already having those conversations, already talking to them, already reiterating and redirecting. We just need to add in some little bit more pieces to that and know that this is normal. So I'm just really proud of this parent, but also any parent who is doing this same work here. ⁓ But remember, trust the process and keep going.
Consistency is everything at this age. They don't just remember things after once or twice. They are going to, if you know, it seems funny or it's a joke, or if they've seen it from somewhere else, they're gonna do it again and again until we override that belief that that's okay to do. And as long as there's no other warning signs, no other...
red flags going off that maybe this behavior has come from somewhere else, then it's just developmentally appropriate, normal behavioral stuff that we deal with in all children of this age group. However, we leave it and we don't do anything, it can develop into harmful sexualized behaviors where children are actually harming the other child and abuse occurs.
So thank you for that question. And if you have any other questions or you want me to answer anything on the Ask Kristi podcast segment, drop it in the comments or send it to me via my website or my email at [email protected] And I'll see you in the next episode.
