Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hey, welcome back to Ask Kristi. I'm Kristi McVee former detective specialist child interviewer and a child safety educator. And this podcast is all about answering parents' DMs and questions to basically answer those questions that you have no one to ask. So today's question is in regards to fear. And I wanted to just ⁓ share that this is a very common question or a common thing that people talk to me about. And so it's very normal to feel fear, especially
with something that I share because we often feel like we have no control or choice over what happens. The point today is to make you feel like you have some choice and you have control and hopefully that will reduce some of your fear. But here is the question from this parent.
Hey Kristi. I'm so stressed out about choosing a primary school for my son next year. I've been losing sleep. Every time I go on a tour of a school, I find myself suspicious of a math teacher who seems creepy or a PE teacher who gives me a weird vibe. Is it all in my head because of the overwhelming amount of CSA headlines lately? What advice can you give me? I'm just in the mindset of everyone being a threat towards my kids. Now, very, very real, especially with any parent of a child who's young who hasn't really got the education or
we just you know they're so they're little babies and so it makes us feel really scared because we just
with everything we see in the media and everything that's being reported, it just makes us feel so scared. And firstly, before I start talking about what I want to talk about, I want to share that only 2% of all child sexual abuse statistically is in a school or an early childhood education environment. Most of it happens in the home or by other children. when we think about, know, the reason why we see so much in the media is because there is that is all they can report on. They can't report on when it's
intrafamiliar when it's in the family. They can't report when it's child on child harm and most of that goes unreported anyway. So the only thing they really can report on is stuff that happens in an early childhood education center or a school or etc. So that's why it seems like this so much. So when we look at what's going on in the media or what's going on in the world we have to like pull it apart and go what is real and what is what is actual and what is perception. The perception is it's happening in all of these places which actually
the reality is, sadly, the home is actually more dangerous than an early childhood education centre or a school. However, it doesn't mean all risk is taken away, it just means that we need to be more aware of it. Okay, so...
I hope I did get back to this parent individually, but that's what I told them. And we just need to be mindful of those sorts of things that, you know, it's not everyone, it can be anyone. Yes, of course, these places have those types of people in them. However, it's not as bad as it seems because that's all they can actually report on. So what I wanted to say today is that I don't want to talk about fear, but what I want to talk to you about is that, you know, this parent parenting
anxiety, this fear around whether anyone's safe for our children is very much something I've lived in a lot of the time that I was a police officer detective, et cetera. And what I realized is that when I awareness is very important that we know and when we get over the fear of it actually happening, then we can actually take action. So for me personally, how I was able to deal with the anxiety and the fear of my daughter being in these situations was taking action and having a plan.
and I'm going to go through that plan with you right now. it's okay to feel it because it's real. It is a real thing that is going on. It is a real thing. It keeps us in tune with our ⁓ parenting's safety and making sure our kids are safe. If we didn't feel the fear and we didn't understand the risks, then we would probably be numb and we wouldn't be taking action.
Okay, so the action is actually the counter the counter balance to the fear. So when you wait, lie awake at night and you're running through the worst case scenarios in your head, then here's what we want to do. We want to ask real questions. We want to identify whether it's a real risk that it's it's a you know, is it a real risk? Is it a right now risk? Or is it a what if risk? What if it might happen? You know, those what ifs that we ask ourselves. So you know, things like is it safe to send my child to daycare?
Should I let them go online? Should they sleep over at friend's house? Can I even post a photo of my kids on social media anymore without putting them out of risk? These are all real parenting questions that I get asked all the time. They're very valid. I don't want anyone to think that you're overreacting, you're not. It is very much in what we have to deal with in our day to day as a parent today.
But what I want to do is give you a framework. So a way to think the framework is a way to think through these decisions that cuts through the panic and gets to the clarity. Because again, if we don't feel like we've got choice or control, we fear when we when we have choice and control, we are less fearful. And that's what's really going on here is that we feel like we've got no choice. We've got no control. Everyone's out to get our kids. But really, we have a lot of choice and control and we have a lot of power. We just don't realize it.
So.
I don't want you to be paralysed by these decisions. I want you to go, right, what do I do? How can I do this? And then you can make a decision from an informed, empowered space versus a fearful space. So I'm going to share with you Christy's risk checklist. I wrote this over the weekend, guys. It's eight questions. That's all. And I'm going to walk you through a few real case scenarios so you can see exactly how to use it. so first of all, I want you to understand that it took me years in the police to really
really internalized that risk is not the enemy, unmanaged, unacknowledged risk is. So our kids can't be wrapped up in a cotton wool and in a bubble. They need to have risk in order to be able to be good, to be parent, to be adults, sorry, not parents. They need risk to become.
adults and we need them to make sure that they understand risk and they take risks so that they don't take massive risks when they become an adult that are really dangerous and can get them in trouble. We need them to understand their limitations and to get confidence because when we take risks we get confidence. So when we face the risk as parents we actually have three options. We can reduce the risk so keep the activity but change something about how it happens. We can remove the risk entirely
say no full stop or we can proceed anyway knowing the risk exists but with protective measures in place. So that's what I talk about is that you you as a family with your values and your beliefs in place you assess whether the risk is can we reduce it so that it can be done with like some making with the activity but something happens differently can we remove it entirely or can we proceed anyway and then put protective measures in place so most of the
the
the best answer is option one or option three. Removing the risk entirely sounds safe, but it often costs your child something. Now, I'm not saying that my daughter didn't go on sleepovers and she didn't go on play dates, she did. But when I wasn't sure about the people, I usually made sure that there was a workaround or a safer option. So removing the risk, like I said, it costs your child something entirely. Now there's some things that we will completely say no
to like whether it's social media or maybe they're online say online you know at a certain age or playing roblox or something because the risk is can't be managed some of those times but you know independence social connection experience confidence they're all things that we need to also encourage with our children so sometimes we may say yes with with ⁓ like a variation to the the initial
event or whatever. And those the things is it matters so much for our long term safety literacies for our long terms, ⁓ critical thinking, etc. Alright, so the checklist eight questions, you don't need a spreadsheet, but you know,
I'm gonna put this in a blog, it's gonna be available after today. And so yeah, you can go through and you can print this out if you need to. So first of all, what is the actual risk here? Is it a what right now? Like this is a right now risk or is it a what if risk? Is it something that can actually go wrong or are we catastrophizing? Are we making it bigger than it is? I have done this, believe it or not. I have gone what if, what if, what if. So is it an actual risk that can happen?
right now or is it something that might happen but depends like there's we don't know so that's the first question second question how likely is it to happen okay so we know that and i'm going to go through a couple of real life scenarios after this but how likely is it to happen if it involves our children and strangers you know again you know we know through my education you know the risks we know that it's one in four children will be sexually abused it's you know
50
% is another child, et cetera. Okay, so how likely? It's a good possibility. What is the potential harm if it does happen? Okay, my child might be sexually abused. Then next to that is what control do I have over the situation? What can I actually do to reduce the harm, limit the harm?
change how it happens. So for instance, when a child goes to another parent's house, you don't have a lot of control over that situation, but you can talk to your kids about it.
when they're in your custody, in your home, you've got a lot of control over it. Can I reduce the risk and how can I reduce it? Can I make it so that the opportunity for harm is reduced? For instance, if someone asked my daughter to go to a play date and I didn't know the family, I wasn't dropping her off to some stranger's house that I've never met and I don't know who's in that home, but I could say to them, hey,
that doesn't work for us, would you be interested in meeting us at the park or a place on top? And then reducing that risk, me being there to supervise means that less chance of something happening.
Can I remove the risk entirely and what would that cost my child? Now, I could say no to that play date and just leave it at that, but my daughter likes that child. She wants to hang out with that child. That's her new best friend at school. So it might cost her social inclusion. It might cost her her confidence in that she can ask me for something, et cetera. So if I remove that entirely without changing the venue, without changing the safety around it,
might actually upset, be more harmful to my child. But...
I think that's, you know, we, in some cases we actually have to say no, you know, like if it was a sleepover and I didn't know the parents, I would say no. And I would explain it to my child of why, and then we would go through what other possibilities that we could possibly reduce the risk by having a stay instead of a sleepover,
It's usually like how do we reduce the risk versus saying no altogether unless it is something that is against your values and beliefs. If I proceed, what protective measures can I put in place? For the play date, I put in a protective measure of going, being there to supervise, meet the parents, get to know them better. Maybe it's a play date at their house and I've come along and I have coffee with the mom while the kids play.
You know, what if it was a sleepover and I'd done all the checks and balances and I've decided, okay, this is a family I feel like I can trust. Then, you know, is it doing a check in at 8 p.m. You know, giving a phone call to the parent at 8 p.m. to talk to my daughter. Is it having a code word? Is it...
Is it talking to her about body safety before she goes and making sure she feels safe and comfortable? Is it going through scenarios with her? What protective measure can I put in place? And is my child equipped with the knowledge and skills to keep themselves safer? This is a thing like we expect young children to be able to say no or to speak up when something happens and a lot of children freeze. It's a normal bodily response and children will freeze in the moment and that is okay. We can't expect our kids to be the ones to advocate
for themselves. never say that. What we do want them to do is have the tools and the skills to know how to better, how to speak up and how to get help. We want them to seek help when they need it but we can't expect them to do it if they're feeling fearful and in danger. Adults struggle with it so why would we expect our kid to be able to do it?
So I think that the last one is a big one, is that, my child equipped? Can they keep them, can they say something if they need to? Do they know what they need to know in order to be safer while they're there? And look, let's play some of these scenarios out. And I've already talked about play dates and sleepovers, but let's do it again.
Your nine-year-old has been invited to sleep over at a school friend's house. You've met the parents a couple of times. You don't know them well. Your child is absolutely desperate to go. So let's run through the checklist. What's the actual risk? Unsupervised access by adults, exposure to something your child isn't equipped to handle.
an environment you're not familiar with, someone inadvertently doing something to your child. How likely is it? It's a low possibility, but it's never a zero. Most sleepovers are completely fine, but a lot of sleepovers aren't, especially if there's older siblings there, if there's adults we don't know there. So it's not a zero risk ever. What control do you have? Plenty. You can meet the parents properly beforehand. You can have a conversation. It might feel weird, but you can talk to them
about what does supervision look like? Where are the kids gonna sleep? Is their oldest, older children or teenagers going to be there? Is there going to be any other adults there? What is the checking call time? Like you can set a checking call time. You can make sure your child has a code word that they can text you. No questions asked, you'll pick them up. You can talk to them about the fact that you might.
you know, they might want to come home. I'm available. Don't please don't, you know, don't think that they can't come home. I would rather they came home and had a good experience and not. Can you reduce the risk? Yes. You having a conversation with the parents 100 % make sure your child has body safety language that they know their names of their private parts and then know that no one's meant to touch them on their private parts and that they know that they can tell someone when if they don't feel
good or if something happens. They need to tell you and sometimes it's not even about that. Like sometimes kids will call their parents because there's a movie that they don't want to watch or they might want to come home because someone said something and it's hurt their feelings. Like it's okay sleepovers at the end of the day. I don't know where we got to this point where we have to force kids to stay but we should never force children to stay where they don't want to or where they don't feel safe. So you know as for your decision you might proceed with protective measures. You might say no and make a
the alternative arrangement, it really depends on the family. I'm not saying you're right, wrong or otherwise, you choose based on what your family wants. Okay, next scenario is posting photos of your kids online. This is one I get a lot.
⁓ Do you have a, you want to share a photo of your child on your personal Instagram? They're in their school uniform. You're wondering if it's safe. So what's the actual risk? The photo can be seen by people outside your intended audience. The school uniform makes your child identifiable and locatable. In rare cases, images are downloaded and misused. know, unfortunately, sometimes our relatives, will repost the photo, share the photo, screenshot it, share it in their own networks. So anything that's identifiable is obviously unsafe. We share it to
personal friends and family, but we don't know what they do with it. So that's another risk. If your account is public, obviously any random stranger can see your child. So if we have a private account with people we actually know much lower risk, higher risk with people in public.
Personally, I don't think it's very safe anymore to post photos of your kids and even their faces because of AI, et cetera. What control do you have? You have a significant control. You can control your privacy setting. can control the, take the, know, take the uniform logo off. You can do a lot of things. You can make sure you don't tag the school or tag the location. Make sure that your child is not identifiable in that location or that place because someone who is
wanting
to harm children, can't find them where they are. ⁓ You can reduce the risk by having a private account, making sure that they don't have their uniform on in the photos. Like I said, turn off location tagging, do an audit of your followers. Does everyone in there actually know you? Would you sit around a table and have dinner with them? That's my dinner table rule, you know, like.
If they're not someone you would eat dinner with with your family, then why are they seeing photos of your kids? They don't deserve it. it might. I don't know. We've been groomed to believe that it's normal to share photos of our kids. And here's one more thing I'd encourage you to think about. If your if your child is old enough to give consent, why don't we ask them what they want to do? Because we talk to them about stranger danger and don't let them photo. Like we tell them about online stranger danger and yet we're sharing it with strangers
they don't know. So maybe have a conversation with them and talk about digital footprint and who this is going to and who's going to see it and give them an option, give them some autonomy and choice. So yeah, we can reduce the risk, make a few simple adjustments, consider if it's worth posting, and who we're going to share it with. Maybe it's worth just sharing it with your close friends and family in a private message instead.
Last one I think is online gaming. So your 11 year old wants to play on an online multiple game with school friends. You've heard stories about online predators and you're not sure. So what's the actual risk? Is exposure to strangers inappropriate content? Contact with
someone who's got harmful intentions or cyber bullying from peers. That's the risks of going online and gaming online. How likely of it? Some of them are very common and very real, like rough language, peer conflict. That's pretty normal in online gaming, but also is the grooming aspect. we're not here to talk about that, but one in two kids are approached by a stranger online. So, you know, it's very real risk and it will happen at some stage. What control do I have? I have a lot of control.
you can control the devices, the settings, you can set up parental controls, you can control whether the device is shared in a family space. do they only play that game when they're sitting with you supervising in the area or cooking dinner or whatever? Like you get to see and hear what's going on in that space.
You get to control whether they accept friends, who they accept as their friends online and who they are. Like you get to have conversations with them like how do you know them? Who are these people? Like have you met them in person sort of thing? Can you reduce it? Yes, you can always have them in a common area. We can set up parental controls. We have a clear rule about play with people you only know in real life. You check on them. You're a friend request reviewed together.
And the big one is, is your child equipped? Like, do they know what it looks like when an adult online is being too friendly, asking too many questions, grooming online or whether they want to move them from one platform to a private platform so that they can talk to them privately? That's the first big indicator that it's someone who's grooming them. Do they know to come to you? Have you had a conversation about what to do if someone does something like that online or if they feel off or unsafe without being in trouble, without losing their device, without freaking out, you know?
Really, it's open door. It's a conversation that keeps happening. They feel stronger if they know that they can come to you. You feel more empowered with the fact that you know what to watch out for and you know how to have these conversations with your kids. you're like, there's less fear around it. There's more empowerment around it. you you can, the decision might be you proceed with strong measures, protective measures. And the goal is not to keep them offline forever because...
They need to do things online. They need to get their literacy there. However, it's about your values and your beliefs and your family. And if you can navigate it together and protect your kids together. And they learn how to protect themselves too. So as you notice against those scenarios, it wasn't a definite no and ban everything and hope for the best because we need to...
have risk, but we also need to consider the risk and understand what is going on with it and how we can make better decisions. I think it's really important that we think these things through and put the measures in place to equip your child. And you know, I've spent thousands of hours inside worst case scenarios. So I know how this works in real life situations. And it does work because it's what I did with my daughter and it's what I do with real life. you know, the one I really
think you need to be mindful that we can't reduce all risk. Our children will get hurt at some stage. We need to equip them with the tools to seek help, which is to come to you and ask for help and that it's okay that they get that something bad happens. Like then it's not the end of the world. The kids that feel like that they can go to their parents and talk about it are the ones who are safer quicker. They get out of trouble quicker. They get help quicker. And having these uncomfortable conversations early really make a difference.
body safety which then turns into online safety really makes a difference because it normalises these conversations.
⁓ Safety doesn't come from fear. It comes from preparation and I really believe firmly that we can prepare our kids without scaring our kids and we don't have to be fearful of everything. You know, you have more control than you think. I promise you that. You have way more control. Control and choice means that we don't go around feeling fearful. Once we have that awareness, choice and control, we feel safer. We feel more empowered. Use the checklist, print it out, stick it on your fridge and next time you throw
with the decision work through the eight questions slowly it's
gives you that just that confidence to make decisions from a place of informed decision making versus fearful decision making. Look, I will be putting this out into a blog in the next day or two, along with some scenarios. So please go and check out my blog and my website. I'll put the link in the show notes so you can grab it, save it, share it, whatever. But if you've got any questions you'd like me to answer on the podcast, this one was a long one, but it was really important that this was here because I think parents really need this
information but if you have any questions send it through to [email protected] or via my dms i'd love to hear what's keeping you up at night and i'll do my best to get you your questions answered and in future episodes thank you and see you next time
