Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hey and welcome back to Ask Kristi. The show where I answer your real questions about keeping kids safe, one conversation at a time. I'm Kristi McVee former detective and specialist child interviewer and now child safety educator and author. Today's question came in from a mum after my recent webinar and I loved it because it's one of those questions that stops a parent in their tracks. The question was,
My eight year old asked me, why is it unsafe for people to ask to see your privates? And I couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't scare him. And honestly, I've been there and I know exactly what you were talking about. That moment where you literally freeze and go.
Why is it unsafe? How do I explain that to him without scaring him? It's such a good question from him and for her, you know, seeking help and asking it. And that was the whole point of my webinar, my free webinar talking about body safety was to basically give parents the tools. But here's the thing, in 30 minutes, I was not able to give you everything. And I got back to this parent straight away when she sent this email, but I wanted to share it with you as well as an Ask Kristi question.
because I think we've all been there and how do we navigate that?
So in body safety education, we use the word unsafe a lot and it works really well unless or until a curious little child says, but why? And I love those questions. They really are helpful. And for me personally, when my daughter asked why, I would say something like, you know, really good question. What do you think it means or what do you think it is? And let her try and explain her understanding of it. And then that gave me time to really think about, well, here's what she already knows.
and here's what I can tell her. If we just say that it's unsafe, that it's a bit circular, isn't it? Like they will go, but why, but why? It's like, why is the sky blue? So it doesn't actually tell them anything. For most kids under the age of eight, those younger children, they won't even question it. They'll just go, okay.
But for our older kids and our kids who are a little bit more clued on and curious, they're going to ask questions. And eight year olds are smart. Like we can't deny that. So they notice when they're not getting real answer and they're going to nag until they do. So how do we explain it to them without going into the territory that it's scary or inappropriate for their age?
We've got two angles that we can go with, especially for this question of, but why is it unsafe for people to ask to see your privates or to see your privates or whatever the question is that they're asking or what we're explaining. So the first angle is ownership and rights. Your child's body belongs to them full stop. That's their bodily autonomy. They are the boss of it and they get to choose whether someone sees it or whether they get to say no if they don't, et cetera.
is unsafe, part of what we mean is that it's a violation of their rights and their bodily autonomy. Someone is trying to take or see something that isn't theirs to take or see. So kids understand ownership and they understand that it's mine and you can't have it. So we can connect the unsafe to that. The second angle is feelings and body signals. Now, when someone breaks a body safety rule, it can make your body and your feelings respond. You can feel worried, confused, uncomfortable, that yucky feeling.
feeling
in your stomach or in your tummy, those early warning signs, right? That's your body's warning signal. And it's telling you something isn't right. That's what unsafe really means. Not just a rule, but something that can generally hurt how you feel inside. It can make you feel really uncomfortable or feel sick or feel horrible or yucky, whatever it is. So here's what we're actually saying to the child. And you can use it word for word or you can make an adaption of this. But this is what I wrote to the mum. Your private parts
belong to you. Only you get to decide who sees or touches them. Some people, even adults or other kids, might not know the rules or they might choose to break them. That's why we have body safety rules to protect what's yours. And just like you'd say no if someone tried to take something that belonged to you, you always can say no if someone or anyone, child or adult says tries to look at or touch your private parts. It doesn't matter where it happens at school, at someone's house or even during an online game.
And if you ever wonder why it's unsafe, it's because when someone breaks that rule, it can make your body and your feelings feel really bad. You can feel worried, confused or uncomfortable. Those feelings are your body's warning signals and then telling you that something isn't right. That's what makes it unsafe. Not just because we have a rule, but because it can hurt the way you feel inside. And that matters because how you feel in your own body matters. So that was what I said to mum and I, and that's word for word. I just wanted to share that with you because I think that's a really important
factor that we need to consider is that.
Body safety rights are there to protect their rights and their bodily autonomy and it's twofold, right? It's the fact that they're someone's doing it against their body They're breaking the rules But it also makes us feel really uncomfortable and can make us feel yucky inside and it doesn't feel good So we can you know, explain it in those terms so that we're not scaring them We're just these are the rules and this is your body and this is what you can do about it and you know I would add something along the lines of you know, if anyone ever
does make you feel uncomfortable, breaks your body safety rules or makes you feel unsafe in your body, then you can come and tell me. You'll never be in trouble. I'll always listen and believe you. So to the mom that sent this in, you did exactly the right thing by pausing instead of fumbling through the answer. And the fact that your son is asking why means he's engaged. He's thinking he trusts you enough to push back and that's everything. You don't realize how much power that this is and continuing these conversations actually make a big difference.
If this episode helped you share it with another parent who needs it. And if you've got a question that you'd like me to answer on the show, send it through to [email protected] I'd love to hear from you. I'm Kristi McVee Thanks for listening. Let's keep our kids safe one conversation at a time and I'll see you next week.
