Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hello and welcome back to Ask Kristi. The show where I answer your real questions about keeping kids safe one conversation at a time. I'm Kristi McVee former detective and specialist child interviewer and now child safety educator and author.
Today's question is one of the hardest a parent can face. I want to handle it with the care that it deserves because it needs to be talked about. But I also want to give you a small content warning. We're not going to be talking about details at all, but we are talking about child sexual abuse and the disclosures. So if you are triggered or do need support, please go and reach out to some of the services that we list in the show notes. Okay, so let's get into it. The question came in anonymously.
And it was during the webinar that I hosted the other night. And the question is, how do I talk to my child if there's a high likelihood that sexual abuse has already occurred? Now, is, first of all, this is such a ⁓ hard question for all parents, but it is a really important question because a lot of us are sitting in that space of...
what if, what if this has already happened or we have an inkling that something might've happened or we've, we've seen some behaviors that might actually be triggering the thought process that what's going on for my child. So I want you to know that the fact that you're asking that means you're paying attention and you're doing the right things because we can't go around just ignoring things with blinkers over our eyes thinking nothing happening, nothing to see here kind of thing. So paying attention is everything in this space.
And the reason why I just want to highlight the reason why it's so important to face it and call it out and, you know, go somewhere with it or like do something with it is because the quicker we can face it, the quicker our children can get the healing and the support and the therapeutic support that they need. If we just like ignore what's going on for them and we just sit back and think and wish that it hasn't happened and hope that it hasn't happened, then really it can do more harm than ⁓ our child can think that.
you know, hindsight's a wonderful thing. And what I've seen with survivors is that they go, well, why didn't my parents say anything? Why didn't my parents step in? I just wanted that. I was trying to tell them, but they did nothing. And so it can do more harm than good. So when you notice these things and pay attention to these things, we really need to do something about it. First thing is I want you to know that it's not your job to investigate. I know that our instinct is there like
For us as parents, our job is to support our kids. Our job is to be the protection around our child. It's not to investigate and fight those battles for our children in that moment. Our job is to support them. So I know the instinct is there and you want the answers. You want to know what happens. You want to fix it. But the moment you start asking your children questions to find out what occurred without them telling you freely.
You can do more harm than good and police will say this all the time. We can put words into our children's mouths. We can affect their memory. Even well-intentioned questions and even well-intentioned discussions. We don't mean to, but we can actually influence a child's memory and account and it can actually do more harm than good. So our job as parents is to keep the door open and then to act. It's not to...
push until our child tells us something. So if there's one thing I can tell you about this space is that it's really important that we don't like start asking closed questions like who has something happened, who's done something, those kinds of ways because in our fear, we can actually say things and put, like I said, put words in their mouths. Our job is actually to keep the door open. And how we do that is through body safety. How we do that is
You know, you can always talk to me. If there's anything you want to tell me, it's okay. You can always come to me. Nothing you can ever do or say will ever make me stop loving you. You are my baby, my child. These are the things I said to my daughter time and time again. You're my baby, my child. My job is to protect you. If anyone ever says, does or harms you, then it's my job to help keep you safe. And if you come and tell me I can do that.
So it's not really important that we've got a thought that something's happening that we don't directly like, there's ways we can do that. And I'm gonna go through that in a sec. So the second thing to this is if your child does disclose something or you suspect something is happening, you need to stay calm. We cannot panic and we cannot overreact in the moment because it can help make our children shut down. It can make our children go, oh, it's upsetting my parent.
I don't want to say anything more. Uh oh, I don't want anyone to get harmed or hurt. We don't know what's happened. We don't know what's been said other than someone might, our child might say to us, well, such and such has touched me here, right? So the thing is, is that if we overreact, our child might shut down and that might be the last time they talk about it, that they won't go and tell police. They won't go and, you know, do an interview like they did with me. They might just go, no, everyone's upset. I don't want to hurt anyone. I won't tell anyone.
So staying calm is really important. Even if everything inside you isn't, you need to be the calm outside, let your child, your child will feel safer and take their cues from you. If you're calm, they'll be calm. If you react with panic or distress, they shut down and then, they'll take back what they've said to protect you. And kids do this time and time again. Recantation, when they take back what they've said or say, I was joking or I didn't mean it or whatever, it's more to do with
protecting you than it is to protect themselves because they want to protect us. Even little people will do that because we equate safety. we're upset and we're out of dysregulated and we're triggered and we're angry, then they're not safe. So they're going to do everything they can to be safe. So believe your child the first time. Like I said, children rarely make this stuff up. If they're telling you something or showing you through their behaviour that something isn't right, believe it.
don't ask leading questions or push for detail. Don't say did he touch you here or did this happen more than once? Let them lead. If they say something like uncle touched me on my private or uncle touched me on my lady garden or whatever context it is then your job is to go okay thank you so much that's really brave for you for telling me you know I'm so grateful that you've told me
give them some support and hug and just say, can you tell me more about that? But ultimately, them saying something like such and such has touched me here is enough for you to report it to police, is enough for you to take the next step to get help and support from someone who's trained to interview children. That is enough. We don't need to actually know every bit of detail. We don't need to know more because police are...
really, they're the ones who need to and we don't want to add words in like, did you mean your vagina when they say Ladygarden? Because police will get that information through their questioning. We don't want to say, how many times did he touch you? Did you touch him more than once or did he touch you lots of times? All of these things can actually discredit a child's interview or their evidence and make it really easy for the person who's harmed them to get off of it.
⁓ you know, to not be found guilty. So it's really important that we take it slowly, take a deep breath. We don't have to have all the answers in the moment. We just need to be present for our child, be safe for our child and let leave it to the police. All we we know, we now know someone has done something. That person is now no longer a safe person. We now need to make sure that our child never has to spend a lot of time alone, unsupervised with them.
We're telling them that we believe them. We're telling them that they're brave and we're so grateful for them. It's going to help them disclose further. Don't promise you won't tell anyone. I know it feels like the right thing to say to get them to open up, but you cannot keep that promise because if you have to tell police, you're going to break their trust and damage their trust. So don't repeat the conversation in front of other family members or where your child can hear. Don't go, my God, you know, go and spread it with everyone because imagine.
You're a little person who's had all of your control taken out of your hands and you don't have control over this person harming you. Now you've got your parent overreacting, telling everyone, sharing your deepest, darkest secrets with everyone. You need to be really conscious that you're protecting their privacy as well and their feelings. We don't want to re-traumatize.
Every retelling is another opportunity for their account to be influenced for someone else to actually step in and try and change it. So what you can say right now in that moment is thank you for telling me. I'm so glad you did. This is not your fault. Good one. And then, you know, give them a big hug, give them some support. So, you know, it's really important. You don't have to tell them anything else. That's it. The words are enough. The hug is enough.
and then get professional support immediately. Contact your child protection service, contact the police, get some support from a therapeutic service like a sexual assault center or the police will refer you to one or child protection will refer you to one if you need it, but get support straight away. Now as a police officer, one of the things that we did was when we got a report in, we would evaluate whether
what their status was, whether they were safe or unsafe, like, were they going home to that person that evening? that were they going to be in the company of a person who might harm them again between the time that we got the report and the time that we could speak to the child? So that would usually mean that we would categorize it as a, you know, higher priority or not. So if you are in a family and the person who is harming your child,
is someone that will see your child within the next, short amount of time. It might mean that you have to move it quicker. You might have to move quickly and get this person out of your child's life. But if it's someone who, they don't see unless it's on holidays or on the weekends and stuff, you might be able to like leave it overnight or wait until your child's gone to sleep that night and then call someone. But a lot of children, if we handle it well,
they will recover and they will heal and they will get the support and you have done everything you possibly do. The thing is, is that you are not police and it's your job. All your job is, is to make sure your child is safe. And that might mean that person no longer has access to your child. That person doesn't get to spend alone time with them. That person doesn't get to, you know, be around your child, whoever they are. Your job isn't to investigate it. Your job is not to.
bring justice to this person. Your job is purely your child's safety. So in the meantime though, I do want to mention this. If your child isn't disclosing, but you're worried it's happening, you keep talking about body safety, keep reinforcing their rights and the body safety rules and no adult or child should ever touch their privates. Remind them that they can always come to you, that you'll always listen and believe them. You know, I say this a lot.
So they test us with the small stuff, before they trust us with the big stuff. So they will test us with little things to see how we'll react. And so sometimes our children won't come out and say it straight out. They'll be testing us with little tests, like things like maybe asking you what you would do if someone ever touched them or, and if we go, ⁓ I'd kill them, they might go, ⁓ I don't want them to kill Auntie or Uncle or whatever. So be mindful.
of how, what language and what we're saying about this stuff. The simple thing I would say to my daughter back then was, if anyone ever hurt you, I would protect you, I would keep you safe. And they don't need to know the rest. It's not a child's job to know that. So make sure they know that you're in their corner and be mindful just of the other adults around your child, the other kids around your child.
You know, don't be afraid to call out inappropriate behavior when you see it, even if it feels uncomfortable, even if it's someone that you really trust and love. They might, I say this all the time, it's not everyone, but it can be anyone. And I've seen it time and time again that, you know, someone you might've been close to and trusted might not be the same for your child. There might be, you know, there's enough degrees of separation. There's just, who knows why.
But when your child sees you advocate for them against whoever, it doesn't matter who it is, that when they see you stand up, it gives them courage to speak up too. So be mindful that they are watching. So if this episode resonated with you, please share it. I've got heaps of resources on my website, on my blogs about these topics. I know that there are parents sitting out there right now with exactly this question and not knowing where to turn. So if you share this, then it might give them somewhere to turn.
You might be the reason they find their way to the right support. So please share, like and you know, do your best to spread the message about this topic. And if you have a question you'd like me to answer on the show, send it to [email protected]. Because I'd like to hear from you and I really do try to answer all questions when I can. So thank you for listening. Let's keep our kids safe one conversation at a time.
