Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hey, welcome back to Ask Kristi. The show where I answer your real questions about keeping kids safe, one conversation at a time. Now we're up to episode seven, which means we've got seven weeks of questions from adults, parents and caregivers about keeping kids safe. I'm Kristi McVee former detective and specialist child interviewer now, child safety educator and author. And I'm here to talk about all things parenting and keeping kids safe. Today's question is one I absolutely love because it comes from a mom who is already thinking about this stuff in exactly the right way.
And I think a lot of parents of toddlers are going to relate to this one I certainly had the unloathing when my daughter was around two or three years old where this was a situation for me as well So it brought me back to those times when I was thinking about how to answer this one. So the question is my two-year-old has started kissing her friends. Goodbye We do this as a family and we've always asked her first and respected her No, the problem is she isn't asking you her friends first I've tried explaining that kissing is just for family, but that doesn't feel right
because I know abuse can happen in families. Do I just make a blanket no kissing rule? Yeah, I know that parents with toddlers know exactly what I'm talking about.
your toddler goes and hugs their friends all the time and you've got that, if your child's not sure they're the ones that are pulling back and then the other, it's just, can just be so confusing on how to deal with this. And I think one of the things we need to make sure we understand is that toddlers can't read body language. They don't understand body language and they're just such cuddle bugs, right? Most of them. And they just love everyone and they just want to be around everyone or they're the opposite and they just hate it. So, ⁓ and they're very specific about
who they like. you know don't think that this is not normal, it's very normal. But I really love that this parent, this mum is already doing something really important here. She's asking her daughter's permission before kissing her and she's also respecting no which is really important to respect a child's bodily autonomy and modelling bodily autonomy in action right. When we do it our children know what to expect from adults and the people around them and it's one of the most protective things we can do as a parent because
Don't just think about the child right now and the potential for a person who wants to harm children, how they don't respect no and they don't respect consent. Think about when they have their first relationship. I know that's scary to think about when you're a parent of a toddler, but their first relationship, when they become a teenager and they're like a boy or girl, if they can respect it no and it's always modeled to them, then when they are in a relationship and someone doesn't follow their consent or doesn't ask their consent,
they're going to know that it doesn't feel right and that it's not okay. they will be quicker to get out of a relationship where they're not respected, etc. Anyway, tangent moment. So the answer to the question is no, you don't need a blanket no kissing rule. The kissing isn't the problem. The lesson here is consent and a two year old can start learning it, but they just aren't really good at reading it. So the shift is simple. Instead of telling her kissing is only for family, which, as this mom rightly points out, doesn't quite land because families aren't automatically safe. We teach her to
pause and ask first. So we have to model that we have to narrate that. So one of the things that my good friend Jen Muir says is that toddlers need us to help them understand what body language means because they don't automatically understand it when their friend is pulling back or
They're turning their head away. So if your child is modeling, like if your child's going up and hugging people or kissing people and the other child doesn't like it or even we just need to narrate what's happening. Hey, ⁓ Kristi your little friend Mia doesn't look like she really wants to have a cuddle today or a kiss today. We should really always ask before we kiss or hug. Can you ask your friend first? So we like narrating what they should be doing. We're reminding them.
they're not going to know straight away. That one sentence does so much because first of all we're letting the little person that's not happy with it or the other little person as well know that she should have asked and it reinforces that her body and other people's bodies belong to them. It's part of the body safety rules they might not get them yet but remember I don't know if I've said this in the Ask Kristi podcast I know I've said it in other podcasts that we need to repeat it 100 to 200 times when it's not
If it's verbal like when we're giving instructions to kids Especially toddlers and young children we have to do it 100 to 200 times before it actually they can actually remember it and they haven't got the Their brains not wired that way yet. So When we do it in model when we model it in play when we narrate it when we make it in real time. Like when something's actually happening it can happen quicker So in play they reckon it's about 20 to 30 times and they remember it. So it's really important that we don't go
Don't go hugging and kissing people. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Because obviously that way now got a bad reaction, they might think, oh, I'm gonna get in trouble. We want them to, hey, it doesn't look like Kristi really wants a kiss or cuddle today. That's okay, but we should always ask for a kiss or cuddle before we kiss out. you give her a high five today or something like that?
So yeah, it's really important to just remember that their developmental stage is different to, say if they were 12.
And it's also when we're modeling that and we're narrating that we're also, giving her the language so she can say it for herself when she's ready. So, it can make it even simpler for us two year old, especially with friends, a family wave or a high five as the goodbye things work beautifully. So we can always say, let's wave to our friend. Let's wave. So it takes all the pressure off. It's still warm and intentional and it sidesteps the whole situation of who wants to be kissed and who doesn't. So, yeah, I think that's really important is
to model bodily autonomy, narrate it for a little person, make sure that they understand that it's okay if someone says no, and it's okay for them to say no too. So the bigger message here is that I really want parents to take away is that body autonomy lives inside families too. It's everyone. Everyone needs to respect bodily autonomy. And the cool thing about this is that we can do it from such a young age, and it's not a bad thing. None of this is bad or good. I don't like those
words, you know, we're just teaching what's appropriate and inappropriate, safe and unsafe. So this mom's doing an amazing job. I've already replied to her in person, but I thought this was a really good question for parents to know that, we need to model consent and bodily autonomy and asking and, sharing that and then also, you know, it might be a blanket rule that we don't kiss anyone outside of family, but we always ask for it before we get have a kiss.
It's one of those things, right? So it's really about your family and what you're okay with. Some families are no kissing families. Some families do kiss only like their immediate family. Some parents, if you're a European descent, might have kissing as normal. But it should always be done with consent and with the child's bodily autonomy considered. And if they say no, then that's okay. We all respect that.
⁓ So yeah, this mum's doing a great job and her daughter will carry that on all of her lessons of life. So to the mum that sent me this, thank you so much. You are asking exactly the right questions. So keep trusting that. And if this episode helped you, share it with another parent of a toddler who needs it. And if you've got a question for me, send it through to [email protected] Look, thanks for listening. Let's keep our kids safe.
one
conversation at a time because all of these conversations matter. See you next time.
