Kristi McVee (00:00)
How do I explain that someone in my child's life has been convicted of child sex offences? Hi, Kristi. I need to explain someone's actions to my eight-year-old daughter. Someone in her life was convicted of child sex offences, child abuse material, stalking, and assault. I can't give her the full explicit details, but I'm struggling to find a way to explain it. That doesn't leave her jumping to her own incorrect conclusions. Have you got anything to help?
That message was came through from my DMs and I tell you what, ⁓ it's a tough one and it stopped me in my tracks because I can't imagine how some parents especially are struggling to deal with this when someone important in your child's life is actually ⁓ convicted of this. So I'm gonna go through some of the steps that I would have shared with my daughter and have shared with my daughter based on the fact that I worked in this space for ten years. But
I know this mum's not alone, so today on Ask Kristi, we're going to go there because this question deserves a real answer. Welcome to Ask Kristi, the podcast where I take your real questions about child safety and give you real practical answers. No fear-mongering, no fluff, just honest conversations to help you raise safer, more confident kids. I'm Kristi McVee, former Western Australian police detective and specialised child interviewer, author and child safety educator.
For nearly six years I was a detective and specialized in child sexual abuse investigations, And I sat in interview rooms across from parents and children who were completely lost for words and didn't know how to really understand what has happened in their family. So today I'm talking directly to every parent who has ever had to have an incredibly hard conversation with their child and didn't know where to start.
First of all, I want to acknowledge anyone navigating something like this right now. I want you to take a deep breath. because sometimes the unthinkable happens. Good people do bad things, bad people do good things. And sometimes when we find out someone close to us has done something like this, it really takes the wind out of your lungs. Like you just don't know how to really process it because you might not know them like.
the thing that they've done or the thing that has happened and they've been charged with. You might know them as the nice guy or the nice person or the the family friend, the ones always put you know, made you feel safe and protected or whatever, but yet they've been charged and found guilty of something that is completely heinous to most of us.
So first of all, for this mum, I want to acknowledge that ⁓ what you're doing by seeking out the right words, by wanting to protect your daughter both from the truth and from the confusion, that is really good parenting. That is exactly the right instinct. We don't want to fill our children's heads with fear, but we don't also want to leave them with ⁓ no knowledge or no awareness so that then they're left unawares and and unsafe. The fact that you're worried about her jumping to incorrect conclusions tells me you're
already understanding something really important that children fill gaps and they do. They fill in the gaps and they they make up stories. When we don't give them the information, they just they don't just sip with it and leave it like that. Not all children anyway. They can construct their own version of events and sometimes that version is scarier than the actual truth. So and it can be more damaging. So let's talk about how to tell it carefully and how you can
maybe man manage it a little bit better. Again, all of this is advice based on what I would do. Now you do what you do for your family and what you feel comfortable with, but for personally for me, I was very open and honest with my daughter and I shared things in age appropriate ways. So this is what I would do. So there's a few principles I want you to hold on to before you even sit down with your daughter. Principle one, you don't have to tell her everything, but you do have to tell her something. At eight years old your daughter does not need to
obviously the explicit details and you've already outlined that. You know, you know that she doesn't, you don't want to give that to her and scare her. She does need to understand the full weight of a criminal conviction that someone is in trouble with police. But she does need an age appropriate explanation that makes sense of what she's already noticed. Because kids always notice. They know things before we even realize they notice them.
they notice when someone disappears from their life, they notice tension, they notice whispered conversations, and if you say nothing, she will feel that silence with something, and that something is really better than a careful truth. ⁓ principle two, use simple, honest language without graphic detail. You might say something like, You know how we talk about body safety rules and how some adults make really wrong choices, or some people make really wrong choices.
The person's name, we'll call him Tom for this example. Tom did something that was very wrong, things that hurt other people and broke the law. Because of that, he's been in trouble with the police and he won't be part of our lives anymore. We won't be seeing him anymore. That's it. Simple, honest, age appropriate. Doesn't require you to explain child abuse material or assault in explicit terms. It grounds it in the body safety framework. I hope if you've been following me for a long time, that you have been talking about body safety.
Because body safety is the way it gives you the foundations of talking about safe and unsafe, ⁓ appropriate and inappropriate, and it doesn't make it scary. So you know, and also because she's got the body safety framework, she hopefully she already has some understanding that adults make wrong choices, can make wrong choices. And, again, like I said, good people can do bad things, bad people can do good things.
So there also, I think we need to be really mindful that when something happens, there are consequences for, you know, adults not doing the right things by people, for doing unsafe things to people. So again, I think it's this is a really important conversation, regardless of how you do it. It's a really important conversation for kids to understand. Principle three, give her permission to feel however she feels.
She might feel sad, she might feel confused, she might feel angry, she might feel nothing at all, and then feel something weeks later. Kids, you know, take time to process sometimes. All of that's okay. Your job in that moment is not to fix her feelings, it's to make space for them. You might say it's okay if you feel sad or confused or even angry. All of those feelings make sense. It's just it's okay if you miss that person. Again, someone who does this might be a safe person for her or for any child, and they might not understand why their favorite person has gone.
Doesn't mean that they didn't do the wrong thing, it just means that every person's relationship with this person is different. And you know, sometimes I've I've seen it with children whose parent has been the abuser, or their favorite grandfather, or their favorite aunt or uncle. Kids can still like someone even though they've abused them and it's not cut and dry, it's not black and white. but yeah, you can say something like, you know.
Whatever your feelings make sense, it's okay if you miss them. You can always talk to me about it. And I guess that's keeping that safe container and that safe space for them to always come to you with their feelings. Principle four, answer what she asks, not what she doesn't. So eight-year-olds are remarkably good at asking exactly what they need to know and nothing more. So follow her lead. If she asks, is he a bad person? You might say he made some bad choices or he made some very bad choices. If she said asked,
Will I see him again? You can be honest and say no, he won't be part of our lives. If she asks, Did he hurt someone like me? And she might. You can say he hurt people, yes, and that's why the police got involved. It's simple. It I think sometimes we overcomplicate it, right? Yeah, he did hurt people, and that's why the police got involved, because you're not allowed to. ⁓ and then, hopefully she's not going to ask any more. If she asks things like, well, you know, what did he do?
You don't have to volunteer any more information. You can say he just hurt people. For me personally when my daughter asked tricky questions like this, I used to say things like, you know, I used to use real time examples like when a friend did something and they hurt someone or something, I'd be like, You know how such and such made someone feel unsafe and hurt them? Well, it's kind of like that. And you know, some things aren't for kids. Like you don't need to worry about adult stuff. Like
I'm telling what you need to know. And ⁓ all you need to know is that you're safe. It's okay. and it's okay to feel whatever you feel. You don't have to volunteer anything more than she's asking, but you you really do need to honest answer honestly what she does ask if you can. If you are struggling to answer this, you could say, hey, that's a really good question. I'm just gonna think on it. I'm gonna go to the toilet. I'm gonna go and finish dinner and we'll have a conversation in a little while.
In that way you can go and like piece together the feel like the thoughts and the the conversation starters and stuff like that and
basing everything on body safety language is really, really helpful. Like the safe and unsafe, appropriate, inappropriate. you know, and you can tell her that he did something wrong. Like good people do bad things, bad people do good things. Like that's why we struggle with the people that we know have done something. We struggle with that thought and feeling because to us they were a good person, but to the person that they harmed, they're not.
And so we can't always like it's it's not cut and dry, and it doesn't mean that good people can't do bad things and bad people can't do good things. I and I'm not saying he deserves any kind of compassion or or feelings of like you know, ⁓ well, maybe he's a good person that did bad things. No, because he did something very harmful to kids.
For us trying to explain it to each other, we don't want to complicate it any more than that. This isn't a one conversation situation, by the way. You might have this initial chat and then three weeks later she comes home from school with a question you weren't expecting. That's normal. So keep the door open. Let her know that she can always come back to you with more questions as she thinks of them. And again, take your time, take your time, you know. wow, that's a great question. I haven't thought about that. I'm gonna just have a think about what that might mean and how to explain it to you.
Again, use real-time examples if you've got if she's had an issue at school or if there's something that she saw on a movie or a TV show or use those examples of how to explain things. I want to add something as well from my years as a detective because I think it's important. I think in my experience, the children who struggled most after situations like this weren't the ones who were told a careful truth.
They were the ones who were told nothing or who were told don't worry about it and then pieced together a far more frightening story from fragments of adults' conversations they weren't supposed to hear. And because we didn't give them we didn't arm them with the right information and then they've they're left basically trying to work this out for themselves. Because children are incredibly perceptive. They know when something is wrong, they can feel it.
The question is never really whether to tell them, it's how, and you're doing that so amazingly well by reaching out, and I want to commend you. seeking out the right how, that is exactly what your daughter needs from you. And I guess it's not something we're taught to do. None of us were taught to do it. one more thing, if your daughter had any direct contact with this person, if there's any possibility she was exposed to anything, or you know, if this person even has some
still some contact with her now. You know, I wouldn't leave leave her. First of all, I wouldn't leave her with unsupervised contact with this person. Child sex offenders, convicted child sex offenders still can have contact with children unsupervised.
What it does need is that it's reported to authorities and then they do ⁓ child protection stuff with the families and the children. So that's a whole other episode. But if there's any possibility she was exposed to anything, please don't navigate it alone. You know, speak to a GP, a child psychologist, a play therapist, or someone who specialises in trauma and can point you in the right support.
And if she ever discloses anything to you that concerns you, anything at all, please reach out to the appropriate people, police, child protection, et cetera. You don't have to have all the answers before you make the call. You just have to have suspicion that something's happened. yeah, thanks for reaching out. You you're clearly a thoughtful and protective and deeply loving mum. And your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner. I really, really appreciate parents who
think these things through and you know and to anyone listening ⁓ if today's episode raised something for you if it prompts a conversation you've been putting off or if you have your own questions you like to answer like me to answer, send it through a DM on Instagram, drop it in the comments or head to kristimcvee.com I just want you to realise that these some of these conversations we've never had the no one's given us the rule book or how to have them.
It it's a learnt thing. We learn as we go. So, Hopefully becoming more aware and having the tools in our toolbox. So I'm Kristi McVee and this has been Ask Kristi because every child deserves an adult who knows what to say and to have those conversations with their kids. So see you next time.
