Episode 12 - "Don't Tell Your Parents" - Why Every Secret is a Red Flag

August 02, 2026

When a teacher told five-year-old twins to keep her personal food opinions a secret from their parents, it created immediate anxiety for one of the children and left the mother feeling deeply uneasy. In this episode, Kristi McVee validates the mother's gut reaction and explains why secrecy instructions from authority figures are significant warning signs. Kristi shares exact strategies for escalating these issues to school leadership using the language of child protection standards.

Key Takeaways

The Instruction is the Issue: The specific topic (in this case, food opinions) is irrelevant. The directive "don't tell your parents" directly undermines the rule that safe adults never ask children to keep secrets.
Young Kids Can't Differentiate: Five-year-olds cannot distinguish between a "harmless" secret and a dangerous one. They must be taught to flag every single request for secrecy from an adult without exception.
Celebrate the Disclosure: The fact that the twins came home and separately told their mother is a massive win. It proves the home safety system is working exactly as it should.
Reframing School Conversations: Do not raise the issue as a disagreement over teaching material or parenting styles. Raise it specifically in writing as a body safety and child protection concern regarding staff secret-keeping policies.

The Script for School Leadership

"I am not raising this as a complaint about food education; I am raising it because a staff member asked my child to keep information from me, which directly contradicts the personal safety education we are teaching them at home."

Actionable Advice for Parents

Escalate in Writing: When a staff member asks children to keep a secret, write directly to the school principal or the Child Safety and Wellbeing Lead rather than relying on informal chats with classroom teachers.

Hold Every Adult to the Same Standard: Whether it's a teacher, grandparent, aunt, or family friend, reinforce the rule that no adult should ever ask your child to keep a secret from you.

Praise Your Child's Honesty: Whenever your child reveals that someone asked them to keep a secret, praise their bravery and remind them that they will never be in trouble for telling a safe adult.

Featured Resources & Official Links

🌐 Official Website: Access our main portal for resources, updates, and more at kristimcvee.com.

📰 Blog: Kristi has an official blog that features child safety insights, structured advice, and articles that might help you process these situations at kristimcvee.com.

🎴 Conversations with Kids Body Safety Cards: A practical, everyday tool designed to help parents naturally model and navigate non-scary safety talks at home. Available at kristimcvee.com.

Connect & Submit Your Questions

We want to answer what's keeping you up at night. All podcast questions can be submitted completely anonymously.

Email: [email protected]

Social Media: Send a direct message on Instagram to @KristiMcVee

A Final Thought from Kristi

"Safety doesn't come from fear. It comes from preparation... Kids who feel like they can go to their parents and talk about anything are the ones who get out of trouble quicker and get help faster."

If you know a family or a caregiver walking through school or boundary concerns, please share this episode to give them a gentle road map.

Episode Transcript

Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hello and welcome back to Ask Kristi, a podcast where I answer the questions of parents about child safety. Now I got a message the other week from a mum of five-year-old twins that I wanted to share with you because on the surface it sounds like a small deal. A teacher told her kids not to tell their parents something. Not it's not about abuse, not anything sinister but it was about her personal opinion on food. But this mum's gut told her something was wrong and she was right.

What I want to unpack today isn't really about food or even about this one teacher's opinions. It's about why the instruction to keep a secret from parents is the red flag, regardless of what the secret actually is. So here's what she wrote to me. Hey Kristi, I follow you on Instagram and have found your content very helpful as a mum of twin five year olds. My twins know how important it is that they always let me know if someone or anyone asks them to keep secrets from me.

Last week when their teacher told them not to tell their parents what she said to them, which was her own personal opinion on foods and what they should and shouldn't be eating, a whole other issue started with my anxious son, who is now scared of what might happen to him for eating a treat occasionally. They've come home that day and separately told me about what's happened that afternoon, evening.

I've raised it with the school and they have brushed it off. My children love school, but they find it distressing getting ready in the mornings when they know that they have this particular teacher to start their day with during their weekly health lesson. While what she has told them not to tell their mum is not that bad, it does make me feel uneasy that a health teacher of all people is giving this message to kids.

I would really love to hear your thoughts on this and if you have any resources that might be helpful in getting my message across to school about this issue. Thanks. So what a really interesting situation. Now, as I said, the issue isn't about what her opinion is. Obviously it's causing issues for her son now, but I wanted to just share what I

said to this parent. So hi, thanks for sharing this and for taking the time to write it in detail. It tells me that you're paying close attention, which is exactly what your twins need. I want to validate your unease straight away. Your instinct is correct. And this isn't a small issue. The specific content, her opinion on food is almost beside the point. The real problem

Is the instruction itself, don't tell your parents. That single sentence undermines the single most protective message you can give a child that there are no secrets from safe adults. Kids this age can't differentiate between this is a small harmless secret and this is a boundary crossing secret. The skill you're building in them is to flag all instances of an adult asking for secrecy every time without exception. A teacher modelling secret keeping, even over something as mundane as food opinions, quietly erodes that rule in their minds.

And this is something that quite often happens with grandparents, aunties and uncles, other friends' parents. They do the same thing, and it's all not okay. Like for me, it is a red flag. we should never ask kids to keep secrets, doesn't matter who you are to that child. It also explains your son's anxiety. He's absorbed the secrecy and the judgment together, and that combination is what's creating the fear response, not the food itself. The fact that your twins told you anyway.

Is the win here. That's the system you've been building working exactly as it should. Please tell them that. So on the school's basis, I'd go back but reframe the conversation. Rather than raising it as the food's opinions were inappropriate, which is subjective and easy to brush off, raise it specifically as a body safety and child protection concern. A staff member instructed students not to disclose something to their parents. That language shifts it from a parenting style disagreement into a child safeguarding issue, which schools are

obligated to take seriously under their child safe standards. I'd request it to go to the principal or the school's child safety and well-being lead in writing, not just the classroom teacher, and ask that the school's policy is on staff never asking students to keep information from parents. I would also be interested in their child safe policies.

A line that tends to land well with schools is I'm not raising this as a complaint about food education, I'm raising it because a staff member asked my child to keep something from me and that directly contradicts the personal safety education we're teaching them at home.

My five to eight year old Conversations with Kids cards deck is built aro exactly around this safe versus unsafe secrets, body ownership and trusted adults. So it'll back up the messages they're already getting for you from you in the language matched to their age. But there's also books around safety, secrets and surprises, etc., that you can read them. You're doing a wonderful job. Trust the unease, it's doing its job too. So what a what a lesson. And quite frankly, I was quite shocked.

That a a teacher would give that lesson or like would share that with five-year-olds. That's not okay. So for you parents, the lesson I want you to walk away with is never really about the content of the secret, it's about the instruction to keep it from you at all. That's the rule you teach your kids, and it's the rule to hold adults in their lives too as well. It doesn't matter who they are: family, member, friend, school, teachers, educators, whoever it is.

anyone in authority like teachers, it's really important that we are all keeping to we do not keep secrets from our parents or our safe adults. And if you take one thing from how I responded to this mum, when something feels off you're allowed to raise it as a child safety issue in writing to the people who are actually obligated to act on it. So keep trusting your gut, keep listening, keep talking about body safety, because that is doing its job.

Two little five-year-olds knew exactly what to say, how to say it, because they knew what body safety rules were, and that they should always tell their mum or their safe adult that someone's asked them to keep it secret. Doesn't matter what the secret is, but the purpose is to make sure that an adult or anyone can't trick a child into harming them. So if you have a question or would like to have an episode of Ask Kristi.

Just for you. Please send in your requests or your questions to [email protected] just email them through. Thank you and we'll see you on the next episode.

Episode 12 - "Don't Tell Your Parents" - Why Every Secret is a Red Flag

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