Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hello and welcome back to Ask Kristi, the podcast where I answer people's questions, parents' questions, and anyone who sends me a request. Sometimes I don't answer all of them because they are not appropriate to do so, all those privacy concerns. But if you are sending me a question, I'm happy to answer it and share it with other parents. Because if you're asking it, someone else might be thinking it. So here we are.
I am a direct from Canberra in our caravan, which is now named Carol. So just a little backstory. My husband's Nan, who was a mad keen caravaner, loved her caravan, was named Carol. So we have named our caravan Carol. and it's been a bit of an adjustment, leaving home, leaving my 18-year-old who moved out of home and decided she wanted some freedom. And then leaving our state, traveling, I had a really successful
event a couple of weeks ago in Port Stevens where I presented to over a hundred parents and educators about grooming and predatory behaviours and how to have conversations with kids. And now I'm on my way to South Australia. So that's a little bit of what's happening here. And again, like it's a whole new world being moving all the time, traveling from caravan park to caravan park, trying to find space to be able to create
These podcasts and content and working with my team to give you guys everything you need to keep kids safe. So thank you for your patience. If you listen weekly and you're waiting on the next episode, apologies about the delays, and hopefully I'll get some more content up and about for you very shortly. So, today's question is from a parent who actually came to my event in Port Stevens and he
was a dad and I again I want to say this, I don't get a lot of dads in my presentations and I was really impressed with the amount of men in the room. Men who were dads, educators, the whole thing. So I was really impressed and I want to send out a thank you and how proud I am of any of the dads who step up to go to some of these things. I actually heard a male say, Am I gonna be the only man in the room?
and no, we had quite a few dads there, but you know, when you go to these events, you're making a difference. You're working together with your partner. A lot of mums get left with all this stuff, like talking to their kids about safeguarding, talking to their kids about body safety and being the one that the kids feel safe to go to. But when you step up in this way, you're actually making it so that you are now a safe adult as well. So well done. But this dad said,
He found the Port Stevens seminar really helpful and informative. but he just wanted to ask some questions about bathing, showering with his kids. We have twin boys, two years, and our girls four, and who like to shower with me. My main concern is if it's appropriate with my girl to be in there first of all with me, a grown man, and with our boys, which I'm less worried about. The practice will have to end soon either way, so we're running out of space, even though the shower has large capacity.
The main reason I haven't stopped it yet is for safety as the mixer is now at the same height as my daughter and she often bumps her head accidentally and sends the water out too hot. Most of the time they are all sitting on the floor playing. She has really asked questions about my body, private parts, and is aware that my private parts and refers to them as such with her mother also. Should we be stopping the practice immediately or is it okay? This is such an popular question and often question I get.
around bathing with children. And the thing that I want to say and the thing that I said to this dad is that you know it should be child led. First of all, when we teach body safety, we're teaching that their body is their body. They can say no, they can choose what happens to them. And when safe adults do anything, they ask for permission and consent. this is my reply, sharing with your kids is a common question. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing.
with your kids and helping them in the bathroom, especially if it's keeping them safe. And I shared that my husband often shared with our daughter until she said she didn't want to anymore. There's no issues at all as long as it's child led, as long as the child chooses to have do that. and I know that I did share a story in the presentation. I'm going off script here, but I did share a story in the presentation about a dad who used shower time to abuse. And so
The story was based around it's in my book and it's in when I do presentations is about how the dad would the mum had a new child and the dad would offer to babysit or offer to look after the child whilst she was out. And every time she came home, they had just got out of the shower. So he would wait for the time alone with the little girl and then go and take her into the shower and that's where he would sexually abuse her and that's how he groomed her to not say anything because you know, it was bathing.
it was i it was showering. So I knew I did say here to him, I know I mentioned that story, but it's specific in that he would shower with her when the wife was not home and it was almost every time they were out and the daughter was alone with her husband. What I would say is that when you are having those moments in the shower, this is the perfect time to model body boundaries and to talk about consent. She's four years old now, so you can always say to her and your two year olds about private parts of private and it's okay to shower together as brothers and sisters, but we can't touch each other's private parts and
you can add in if you ever don't want to have a shower with daddy or your brothers, that's okay. You just let me know. And if you don't want to you know you just from my perspective you just have to now and again mention you know it's your choice. You don't have to have a shower with daddy or you can have a shower with mummy instead. You give them a choice and you always normalize that choice.
so you remind them occasionally that it's their choice because it's their body. Eventually the kids will go down the path of, I don't want to have a shower with you anymore, Daddy, or not today, Daddy. And that's okay because you'll say, perfect, and I'm proud of you for telling me. Always thank your kids for telling you when they speak up for themselves or when they advocate for themselves because we want to normalize that too. Because when they advocate for themselves with you, they're practicing advocating for themselves with other people as well.
So I would do the same with my daughter. I would say things like, It's okay that we share together, but only if you want to, and only if you feel comfortable. When you don't want to anymore, you'd just let me know. It's your body, your choice. That's what I used to say to her regularly. she stopped sharing with me and my husband at different times and ages. So she stops sharing with my husband around five or six years old. and that was her choice, and she didn't want to anymore. And about 10 years old with me, you know, we used to have conversations around, you know,
Is it okay if anyone touches you on your private parts and stuff during sharing? See, I waited for teachable moments to talk about this stuff with my daughter. I didn't bring it up just randomly sitting at the dinner table. It was when we were doing something. And I did tell this dad the story about how recently we went and stayed at a really fancy hotel before we left WA.
And my daughter was like, Can we have a bath together? And I had a laugh because I was like, Aren't you too old for this? And she was like, It's my body, my choice, Mum. And I wanna have a bath with my mum. So, you know, and bodies are bodies. Like she's always felt confident and comfortable that her body's her body. She's got the choice to do whatever happens to it. Nothing I I can't force her to do anything and I will never force her to do anything. So, you know, that's the thing.
when we model that, when we model respecting that, that's what we're wanting for our kids. We want them to know that. I wanna say this, if we don't want to have showers with our kids, we don't have to. Like there was times there that I didn't really want to have a shower with my daughter and I would say to her, not today, Bub, like mum wants to have a shower on her own and she'd be upset about it. And I would say, Well, you know,
I respect you when you don't want to have a shower with me, you need to respect me when I don't, because we all have to feel safe. So it's okay to say no to our kids as well and to model that it's okay and they should be okay with it when we say no. So the real point of all of that is that it's a kid's choice of what happens with them and that they understand their rights and that we always model respecting it and we remind them of their rights regularly.
And they can always tell us if they don't want to do something or we give them options like do you want me to help you with wiping your bottom or would you like to try today? Would you like me to help you put your t-shirt and pants on or would you like to do it? Would you like a hug? High five, you know, whatever, a wave. We don't tell them what to do, we don't force them what to do, and we don't do it without sharing what we're about to do because it's their body, that's their bodily autonomy.
and I did say to this dad, you tell them what you're doing if you have to do something with them and if it relates to their private parts for any reason. You know, you narrate what you're doing. Hey, I'm just gonna wipe your vulva, your vagina. I used to say things like, Hey, I'm gonna wipe your bits. That's how, you know, even though my I say make sure you use correct anatomical names, I used bits as like the reference to all of her private parts. But you know, like I would say, I'm gonna just wipe your bits.
And then so you don't get a sore vagina or you don't get a sore vulva. I explained why I was doing what I was doing and that's all I did. I didn't do more and I didn't you know, prolong contact with it. And you know, I feel like that's how we can deal with those sorts of things with young kids. So I'm really proud of this dad for thinking this through and for asking the questions. I really feel that parents who think like this.
Their kids are so lucky because they're considering it all and they're wanting to do it right. And look, there's no right or wrong. We all have moments where we have to do something that maybe we were like, I should have asked or explained that. We can go back and say, Hey, next time that happens, I'm going to share with you what I'm gonna do, or hey, mommy didn't do that right. she's not happy with how she acted, or it wasn't okay that she didn't ask your permission. let me know for next time. So
That's all I have to say with this Ask Kristi episode. If you've got any questions, please send them through, send me an email, and I'll be happy to answer them if I can. See you next time.
