Kristi McVee (00:00)
Hi everyone and welcome back to the Conversations with Kristi podcast, vlog, channel, whatever you want to call it. Today I'm speaking with Damian Porter, the How Not to Die Guy. He's former special forces, former police officer and now a firefighter. What a guy, right? And someone who teaches everyday people how to stay alive in high risk situations. In this episode, we talk about situational awareness, why freezing is normal, how to practice
bravery and what actually works when it comes to protecting yourself and your family. If you've ever wondered whether overreacting when something feels off, this one is for you. And just let you know that we are talking about the Bondi incidences, very surface level stuff but we go into a little bit of what's happened when someone has stood up in those situations, both the previous one in the mall and the one that's just happened at the beach.
Please check out the resources. Skip this one if this is triggering for you, but have a look at any of the show notes if you want to know more. Let's go and have a listen to what Damien has to say.
Kristi McVee (00:57)
Hello and welcome back to the Conversations with Kristi podcast. I am a little bit excited because I'm speaking to Damian Porter who is the. How Not To Die Guy. And Damian and I have been planning a podcast for a long time. We've seemed to have gone a whole year I think almost with a discussion of like, let's catch up and have a conversation. Because although an interesting catchphrase.
You're actually a really down to earth guy. I really love, I really loved our last conversation when we had a chat about, you know, being on a podcast together. And I really love your messaging. So Damian, just for my listeners, so they know who you are and what you're about. Can you just tell them a little bit about yourself, about your
Damian (01:39)
Sure, thank you. Great to see you, Kristian. I'm glad we managed to make time to get on the show. Yeah, my background is quite diverse. Answering the first question, so the last question first, then I'll go back to the background. How Not to Die Guy was brought out by me wanting to share my special forces and police experience with others so that they could be safer and I could just teach some of the cool things that I know. I was told by my partner at the time,
The stuff that you think is normal, nobody else would think. A bit like Bear Grylls, you know, we love watching Bear Grylls. I love watching Bear Grylls. He does some things I don't have the skills for, but that's normal to him. And anybody else sort of thinks it's pretty cool. So my background, I spent 10 years in the New Zealand Army, three years of that in the New Zealand Special Forces. was with the New Zealand SAS Counterterrorist and Hostage Rescue Team.
From there I came over to Western Australia, a few years of moved here. I spent three years in police and then I've been a fireman for the last 15 years. I've been teaching unarmed combat ever since I learnt that around 2000 in the military. I passed a course in 2000 by the instructor for the New Zealand military and New Zealand Special Forces.
And then when I joined the Special Forces in 2005, when I selected for the counter terrorist team, I did that in the Special Forces role, which was a lot harder course than the average army. But the reason I started teaching it is because I wanted to be able to remember By teaching something, you get good comprehension of it. And I started teaching just a couple of friends. One was a little same height as you actually, Kristi five foot one model.
20 something years old and another guy was an army guy about 25 years old and we just we just practiced what I've been taught and then other people saw it and It was becoming popular. I started then I got instructor qualified All the I'll get this dispensation from my instructor to teach it. I was teaching city councils I was teaching groups small groups and to be fair mainly women and and some in the public role and I love teaching it because I was teaching something that people didn't know
what they were capable of and it worked. It wasn't a sport. What I teach Christie is what was taught to spies and commandos in World War II. And they got six 45 minute lessons over six weeks to then go behind in any lines, literally like the movie of the Ministry of Ungently Warfare or the ⁓ Rogue Heroes and
Kristi McVee (03:58)
Yeah.
Damian (04:01)
This was taught to the Nancy wakes, the females, the professors before they went behind enemy lines and did the business. So I teach something that requires no skill, but I had to work back then. And our biology in our world hasn't changed from from World War II to now still to defeat a human. You've got to attack the eyes, the throat and the knees down. And I teach that. But then with the policing, of course, as you know, I had to.
Kristi McVee (04:26)
Yeah.
Damian (04:27)
bring that back a little bit and I learned how to use ⁓ voice. learned how to use low threat deterrence and low threat ⁓ actions. And I put that together in a package of How Not to Die Guy and, and I teach, I put a post out the other day. I teach the elderly, I teach the bullied, I teach the weak, I teach the females and I'm not being sexist, but you know, you're five for one. Even me with, with
two arms that are supposed to be in slings, I'm bigger and stronger than you and you've got some skills, but you know, got to assume that attack is bigger, faster, stronger, more skilled, armed, has a pre-plan. So because of that stuff, I love teaching those people. And then what about the busy mum? All these people that can't go to jujitsu, the 84 year old can't go and learn these things and go and do boxing. They're great sports, but I teach those people how to survive.
and how to win the fight, but more importantly, maybe how to avoid it happening in the first place and how to avoid the bad guy. Cause the bad guys should target those groups of people that I mentioned, the busy mum with the toddler under the arm and the pram and the other side. That's a great target for a bad guy to steal from her or the older person. They're a great target for mugging and so on. And rightly so. So I love teaching those people is what my background is, is teaching
Kristi McVee (05:27)
Yeah.
Damian (05:42)
good people how to handle bad situations, I guess.
Kristi McVee (05:46)
Yeah, and that's amazing. Like, you're right. And what you're actually I think what you're alluding to there and you didn't say it was situational awareness. Like, when you're in the special forces, the army, the police, you're constantly looking around, you're constantly, constantly observing. had a I was in a shopping center a little while ago, watch someone walking through the shopping center, I watched them, right. And my friend who was with me was like, what are you watching? And I'm just like, that guy's like, acting strange, or that person's acting strange or
Damian (06:07)
Hmm.
Kristi McVee (06:15)
And I've had people say, you're never off duty, you? And I'm like, you know, it's just situational awareness. When you clock something that doesn't seem or fit in, or it just doesn't seem right in that moment, there's nothing wrong with watching. There's nothing wrong with keeping on alert just until, again, maybe that thing or that person moves on or walks on. And another thing I was walking in a city, I was in Adelaide.
And I was walking, was three women. I was in the middle, smallest person there. And this person, this male was walking towards us. It was dark. Everyone was like, like they sort of came in. We came in closer to each other. And I eyeballed him directly and said, how are you going? How's your night going? Right. And so the person was like, yeah, good. Thank you. You know, and I was like, have a good night. And they were like, ⁓ why'd you do that? And I said,
Damian (06:56)
Hmm.
Kristi McVee (07:07)
because I wanted him to know I'd seen his face and also I wanted him to not see me as a threat, like that I was easily to be mugged or we were not a group of people who could be mugged. mean, generally they weren't attacked just a group, I was like, and I do that all the time, right? And it's not something I feel like has been taught to me. It's something that I know works because when you see someone that you think is a threat and you first of all look them in the eye,
Second of all, talk to them as if they're another human being, then they're going to think twice about mugging, robbing you, et cetera.
Damian (07:41)
Absolutely, there's lots of things that went on there and you're right I did in first situation awareness being aware of what's going on and you saw the the weird guy walking around that you're watching that your friend asked you What are you what looking at? It's just looking for what's different? I teach my 10 year old boy that doesn't look right does it and it's not that he's on hyper alertness He just sees thing different and I love what you do with the all the awareness training with the the kids and so on that's not right, that's not normal and and that's
what I teach is see the thing happening, take some action, which you did, you actually said something to him, and then it's better than just putting your head down. Most people in your position in the middle of that group would just likely put their head down and try to, I can't quite bring my arm up, but I haven't seen that. I put my head in the sand sort of thing. What a great thing you did. There's basically two types of bad guys. There's the bad guys that,
Kristi McVee (08:21)
Look away.
Damian (08:31)
see you as prey and they're gonna sneak up on you or they're gonna do something silly like try and take me on because they think they're bigger and stronger. Now the other day I was walking along in a singlet, I think I didn't have my slings on, I've got some muscles here and that can make a bad guy or some sort of guy try and have their ego out and wanna fight you. And all I do is say, g'day mate just like you did.
Kristi McVee (08:37)
bigger.
Damian (08:54)
He's not my mate. I'm lying to him. good day mate. And goes, good day. And you smile. I'm only smiling because I want to show that I'm not a, threat to him. And it's like my Sergeant Major used to say, be friendly, be polite, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet. Now the last bit's a bit extreme, but I was being friendly. Yeah. I was being friendly and being polite. And of course he thinks, that, guy with the muscles is, my mate sort of thing. But.
Kristi McVee (09:11)
That is a bit extreme, but true.
Not a threat, yeah, not a threat.
Damian (09:19)
But that's one side, but the side that you don't see coming is the ambush, that person that's hunting you down. And that's when you don't see it coming, Kristi which you talked about, situational awareness. If something doesn't feel right, if something doesn't look right, it's not. Please, listeners and viewers, don't disregard those beautiful, spidey senses, those beautiful red flags you have. Take notice of the first red flag, because it's really important.
And you saw that in the mall, saw it with this guy and then you take action. action's better than inaction. Something's better than nothing. And you know, what you did might've infuriated that guy if he was a crackhead. Might've. But in the situation it did, worked out. Action's better than nothing. And then if it did infuriate him, you'd take another action, which I'm sure you would've. But take action because inaction will really get you in trouble.
Kristi McVee (09:55)
Mm, lot of.
If you are already preempting something, and this is what I learned to the police, right? And this is what I've learned through life. If you preempt the worst and you're prepared for the worst, the best outcome is nothing. Because, you like you said, if someone's high on drugs or, substance abuse or whatever, you know, I've even had conversations with them. I even eyeball them and say, hey, good day mate, how's your day going?
And so it's not and if they're completely losing it, I'm like, all right, have a good one and keep walking. Right. But I'm watching behind me to make sure that they come and don't come and like crack me of the back of the head and take whatever I'm going. I'm watching them to go, you know, I'm just making sure. And I remember walking my neighborhood. I used to run at night and run in the morning when I was in the police and I used to, you know, 5 a.m. dark and stuff like that. But if I saw a car, any car.
Damian (10:35)
Exactly.
Yep. Yep.
Kristi McVee (10:57)
I was watching that car until it was out of the street. I was watching it from behind. I was watching it. And that was just me going, I just need to be aware that, not everyone's a safe person. a lot of people, and we said this before with Press Record, a lot of people think it won't happen to them. We walk around with these blinkers on or this belief or this head in the sand mentality where we're like, it can't, it won't happen to me. It's not going to happen to my family. And it's the same with child sexual abuse, right? We think that it
It's not our family, not our neighbourhood, not our community, not our school, not our whatever. But when we have that attitude, we're not prepared and we're not making sure that we put in the safety in place to make sure it doesn't happen to our kids and our families.
Damian (11:38)
Let's look at a couple of things. The listeners here might be thinking these guys walk around a high load all the time. No, we don't. My little boy just goes, that doesn't look right and just takes him to his brain and then just carries on. Just a little bit aware of it. But let's translate that to it won't happen to me. Bondi happened a few weeks ago. The gunman, believe, got out and unfortunately he got out in front of an elderly couple.
Those people have, I don't know their age, I'm gonna just grossly say 70. They've got 70 years experience each of seeing things. They saw a gunman and they took action. Unfortunately didn't work out, but they took action. I would suggest that a 18 year old girl and 19 year old boyfriend with the combined experience of less than 40 years, they would have cognitive dissonance. They wouldn't conceive that it was a gunman.
Kristi McVee (12:16)
Yes.
Damian (12:30)
and they probably would have frozen a little bit, or done something else different than the elderly. I loved what the elderly couple did. They took action, they saw it, identified it, and they went for that person straight away. And that was brilliant. And of course, I...
Kristi McVee (12:34)
Yeah, potentially.
They did their best in the moment and unfortunately
it didn't end well but they did their best.
Damian (12:47)
Exactly. And that's all you can ask. And I've written articles on this. So that's a thing that happened here in Australia, literally close to home. I wrote the article for the stabbing in France about three years ago in the playground. In the playground, you're a mom, I'm a dad. And the playground, you're just looking for the weirdo, right? Or the bully. The person's not playing right with your little three year old. Well, in France, there was a playground in the...
Kristi McVee (13:09)
Yeah.
Damian (13:13)
The grandparents had these toddlers and a Syrian man with a knife came in and stabbed the hell out of them because they all didn't take action. I wrote these simple rules. You got to turn toward, you got to see the thing. have a look at the thing, turn towards it and then take some kind of action. And that's what the olderly couple did. And that's what the 52 year old guy did when he tackled the gunman. He took action. wasn't amazing because the guy went on, but he took action and did something.
Kristi McVee (13:34)
Yeah.
Damian (13:39)
That's what you gotta do, but you gotta run those files in your head, Kristi that you did with the car coming towards you. Just have a look at it and make sure it's gone. And then you've got that awareness that you can be ahead of the curve, which is what you basically said. If you're taking action, you hopefully come out with a good result. But it will happen to us at some stage. I hope it never does, but when it does, it's gonna be a surprise. And if you haven't practiced it, that's basically what my last.
Kristi McVee (13:40)
He tried.
Damian (14:05)
four minutes of talking has been, if you haven't at least practiced in your brain, just like safe people and unsafe people that you talk about, if you practice in your brain, you then got some kind of forward action you can come out with. If you haven't practiced in any way, you're going to be behind the eight ball.
Kristi McVee (14:19)
You freeze.
Yeah. that's what I mean. people might listen to this and go. Oh my gosh, like, do we have to be on hyper vigilance alert all the time? Do you know what? I prefer being alert than and being present than not, because the worst things that have ever happened to me are being come from nowhere. And you're behind the eight ball. You're you're fighting for your life. You don't understand what's happening and you can't be prepared for anything. Everything. Right.
But I think, you know, the police training gave me a, we did scenario training, same as you, you practiced and practice and practice different scenarios time and time again. And it might never have happened. And I never was involved in an active shooter drill, yet I practiced it every year. I was never involved in a high risk vehicle stop, yet it happened every year and I had to practice it every year. And similar to that, what you teach and what I teach is,
We're just practicing so that if it happens, we don't freeze in the moment. We know what the next step is, the next plan. And that's why we teach kids about body safety. You know, if you get your early warning signs, this is what we do next. We go and tell a safe adult. And that, the reason why we go and tell a safe adult is because that safe adult is meant to, first of all, listen to us, hear us, believe us, and then do something to make us feel safe again. And that puts that protective,
factor in place with you, what you're teaching people is situational awareness, what to do if someone does attack you. And it gives you the confidence to walk around not feeling scared and vulnerable in every situation, because that's what ultimately happens. And I think you work a lot with people who might have been abused or had some form of abuse in some way.
Damian (15:58)
I have, I'll talk to that and then I'm come back to the point I'm saying it so I get my caveman brain remembering. I'm gonna come back to practice. So I'll remember the word practice, because I'm not writing notes. So unfortunately, a lot of the people that come to me have been through a violent situation. I'd rather they haven't. I love teaching people not to get bullied or hurt. That's my job as a protector, as hostage rescue.
Kristi McVee (16:07)
Mm-hmm.
Damian (16:21)
Policing is protect life and property. That's the only job, you know that. And same thing with firemaning.
Unfortunate, they've been through those situations. I can't undo that, but I can talk them through and teach them skills of it won't happen again. I love hearing when someone can talk me through a confrontation. I'll paint an example. The last in-person big course I did with I think about 20 females, I say, has anybody been in a confrontation or?
Saturated before and this woman said, yeah, I was on the train. I got on the train in the morning to go to work by herself. There was just her in the carriage. And a guy got on and he sat next to her. Well, that's weird, isn't it? You know, that's so weird. That's a red flag, if anything. So please don't ignore that people do better than this lady. But she kind of ignored that. I think she might've got up and moved and he moved. Well, that's super not good.
Kristi McVee (16:55)
That's so weird.
That's like, yeah, five alarm fire there.
Damian (17:12)
Yeah, exactly. So she got off at her stop. That's also a mistake. So she made three mistakes and I'm being a bit, a bit mean here listeners. She got off at her stop and he did, and then he followed her to her work. She went a straight line to her work. Also a mistake. end of this end of the day, she ended up having to run inside and lock the door on him. And he was banging on the window. Well done her. She's safe and she won. So I said to her, well done, you're fine.
Kristi McVee (17:36)
but he knows where she is now.
Damian (17:39)
You're safe and you won, but perhaps we want to go back a little bit and learn from those mistakes. So I'm going to teach people, if you were in a confrontation or something and you managed to get out alive and safe, good job. Now here's maybe some other files, some other ways you could deal with that in the future. I'm not judgy at all, but I'm going to give you the best way to do that in the future. And yes, working with those people that have been through abuse,
of all different kinds, or they're thinking about, or they know someone that has, because I think the last young female course I taught, we talked about, I think the presenter asked, how many people have been or know someone that's been sexually assaulted? And I think all the hands went up. Very telling. Well, we don't want that to happen to you again, or don't want that to happen to you in the future. So we'll go through that. And I love teaching that.
Kristi McVee (18:27)
or anyone.
Damian (18:31)
But let's go back to practice. It was great that you used the word practice. So, Kristi have you ever given anybody first aid? Did you do a first aid course? Okay. I've done lots of first aid courses from 17 years old. I do them every year right through to now. And you do scenario training that first aid course to pass it, don't you? You come in the room and the instructor, either good or bad, has got someone lying there, maybe near a PowerPoint.
Kristi McVee (18:37)
Yes.
Yes.
Correct, yes.
Mm.
Damian (18:55)
And we do doctors, ABC danger. Oh, there's a danger to me. I'm going to have to get a plank of wood and hit the person away from the PowerPoint because they're being electrocuted. Well, that's practice. You practice CPR. You practice first aid. I've done, I think it was last year, I've done 40 years of, sorry, 30 years of first aid course. I've never seen a grand male seizure. Have you seen a grand male epileptic seizure? I'd never seen one, but I've had actors do it in front of me. I've seen it on TV when I'm
Kristi McVee (19:15)
No.
Damian (19:21)
we're doing the courses, my next door neighbor had a grand mal seizure and it was exactly like I saw on the video, exactly like I saw someone acting out and I just did what I'd practiced. You are far better, Christian, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Mu-Tai than I ever will be and I am right now, but I will destroy you in a combat because I practice basic combat and I go back to what I practice and yeah.
Kristi McVee (19:28)
Wow.
what you trained.
Damian (19:47)
Practicing safe people and unsafe people, practicing first aid is the same thing. So back to the hypervigilance, we just practice a little bit and you're gonna go and do that on the day and you do your first aid like you did when you practice, you do your self-defense when you practice or you look out for the weird person that you practiced with.
Kristi McVee (20:04)
Yeah. And that, you know, you've say you're practicing safe and unsafe people, you know, it's practicing like listening to your early warning signs, practicing knowing what to do. And in that case of that woman who was on that train, what would you have done differently?
Damian (20:18)
So I told her what I thought and there are only ideas and we all make mistakes, but I thought that the first thing she should do is ring Transit Police. When you're on the the trains, Transit Police know where you are exactly because the trains on one line. You can ring triple zero, but then police have to go to Transit Police. It's a bit of a faff. Ring Transit Police as you're moving away and tell them what's going on. Just like I say to the kids when there's a fire, ring triple zero, tell them
Kristi McVee (20:28)
Mm.
Damian (20:47)
where you are and what's happening, we'll figure it out. Bring Transit Police, tell them where you are and what's going on. The bad guy's gonna hear it, but what's the worst that's gonna happen? You can't make it any worse. You're on a tube with the guy. So move and ring Transit Police and they'll be there pretty bloody quick. And if they're not there by the time it goes sideways, you're gonna have to do some combat. And if you do get off at a stop on the phone to Transit Police still, hopefully the Transit Police are coming to that same stop.
What I wouldn't do down the track is go to your residence, go to your work. I'd go to a safe place as an adult, just like a safe ⁓ adult for a kid to go to. Go to the safe place, go into the shop, go into the business, go into the police station, whatever, but go to where other people are that can help you and just start screaming your head off. This guy's following me, get away from me. And we're all gonna help. the bad guy, bad guys don't want trouble and they don't wanna get in trouble unless they're crackheads, they can't tell the difference.
Kristi McVee (21:18)
Yeah.
Cafe, yeah.
Damian (21:42)
Bad guys don't want trouble. You're smashing them in the throat, you're a bit of trouble. If you're yelling and screaming, this guy's following me, the police might come and he's going to get in trouble.
Kristi McVee (21:49)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're right. Most of them are cowardice. Like they're doing it because you're not making a scene or saying anything ⁓ you know, and sadly, we're conditioned. Most of us are conditioned not to create a scene. We're conditioned not to be loud. We're conditioned to be quiet and just, you know, so and I can understand it because a lot of us, especially women, but even young boys, men, ⁓ you know, you're conditioned to fawn. Just be nice.
your condition to freeze or that's your biology is going to freeze. And this is what I teach as well, you know, like talking about being loud or going to that safe person or, you know, get away is because I teach kids or I teach parents to teach their kids, you have the right to say no. And if someone says something, there's a thing called an emergency, No, right. So we have to give our kids permission to be loud and say no when they don't like something.
Because if we've never told them it's okay if you say no, and if anyone keeps doing something that you don't like, you can be loud, you can yell, you can scream, you can run away, you can put your hands out and push them away, you can punch them, you can do whatever you want. Because if that person doesn't stop, then that is your right to do that. like emergency No is like, no, get away from me.
⁓ You know, like, don't touch me, don't touch my privates, don't whatever, it is that that child wants to say in that moment, that they will never get in trouble for it. Because and when we teach kids from very young age, that no is no, everyone should respect it, then when they get to adulthood, they're not scared to speak up, they're not scared to advocate for themselves throughout their childhood, they'll feel safe to say that because they know that that's their right.
Damian (23:29)
You said it's okay to be loud or be loud, but you practice that question. I could see it in your face. You'd almost see it in your eyes remembering. I remember you learnt the police get back drill. Yeah. You've practiced that. And I'm hopefully the kids practice being loud and I can't show it, but the low threat confrontation I teach push as hard as you can at the person and yell, get back. And you yell it, but we practiced it. And when I teach the girls.
Kristi McVee (23:36)
Hahaha.
Yeah, Yep. ⁓
We did.
Damian (23:55)
And sometimes the guys do it as well, but mainly I teach, as the females that do it. I get them to come up to me and you're going to push me as hard as you can and yell in my face with that war face, get back. And I say, what's going to happen is you're going to either push you really hard and that's going be good. And you're going to go, get back. I'll do this little mousy voice or you'll yell, get back. And you'll just stroke my chest.
Kristi McVee (24:13)
Hahaha
They need to practice.
Damian (24:22)
It's like I'm exactly,
it's funny because that's what happens. I've been teaching for 26 years. I know how humans are taught combat and how they react to it. If you don't practice yelling, those little kids and the girl, the female that fawns, you don't practice yelling, won't do it. So I love getting them the big strong voice and they yell, get back. And after about five or six embarrassments and laughing and member the fawning, also.
Kristi McVee (24:46)
Yep. Yeah, you let it all
out.
Damian (24:49)
your girls laugh and smile when you're embarrassed, then they start really going for it and then all the girls are all happy. So you've got to practice these things even just yelling, don't you?
Kristi McVee (24:50)
Keep going.
Fight up. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It's funny because when I went through the osteo, you know, I can't remember what it's called. Yeah, the police academy osteo section where you're training to use your firearm taser and all of that. I remember doing the high risk vehicle stop and I was like yelling and everyone was waiting. Everyone had to have a go. Anyways. And I was yelling at the car, at the actor. And all I heard from over here was, you can tell she's a mum.
Damian (25:03)
Place Academy.
Yep.
There you go.
Kristi McVee (25:24)
Cause it was like my
mum voice, you know, like it was like, ⁓ and I don't know. I wasn't allowed to yell or be loud when I was a kid, but I think, I think there's a thing about when you realize that it's important to have that little, that switch. I do, and that pushing back, you know, get back. I have had to use that a few times because I'm small and people do stand over me or have stood over me. And it doesn't leave you even after the police. Right.
Damian (25:33)
There we are.
Kristi McVee (25:51)
because I've had people try and get into my space and I've like pushed them back and gone get back. And you don't do it timidly because it's not gonna work and no one's gonna take it seriously. You actually have to push them back and use your voice and be real. Because you can bluff people into believing that you're gonna be serious about it. You might not have the next step under control, but if you bluff enough, people are like, ooh, okay. I don't know whether this she's about to go ape shit or not.
Damian (25:54)
Yep. Yep.
No.
Yep. Yep.
You got it. It's I say we need this person to a behavior that may escalate, but we need to change their mind. You know, if it's another woman in the, you're drunk inside the, toilet and nightclub, or it's some, ⁓ somebody kicking off in front of you, or it's a bully in front of you need to change their mind, but you probably don't need to chop their throat and break their knee because you're going to go to jail. They get back drill is, is a brilliant one. I love it. But
You're talking about being loud and you talk about foreign and I said embarrassed. ⁓ why would we care about what someone we don't know thinks? So I remember a couple of times my boys been around and there's, some stranger says hello to them or says, you know, maybe says a, a nice-ish comment or not nice comment. I'll say, don't talk to that guy. We don't talk to strangers like that guy over there. Do we?
I'm reinforcing to my boy, but I'm sure as shit reinforcing it to the guy or the girl. Why should my boy talk to a stranger? No way. Why should a stranger have any right to talk to my boy? I may be a normal dad with my holding my son's hand. I literally turn around and say, make sure we don't talk to strangers like that guy there. I don't care what some stranger thinks of me.
Kristi McVee (27:06)
Hmm.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, within reason, like I think I agree with you 100%. I had a question the other day on my Instagram. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Like if they're calling something out, because obviously, maybe you're a bit of a target because of your muscles, I don't know. Because you're tall and muscly and you look like you can handle yourself. Maybe that makes you a target because I feel like we tend to we bully or we
Damian (27:28)
I wouldn't do it to a nice person by the way, Kristi.
Could be.
Yeah, could be.
Kristi McVee (27:47)
like egotistically do things. I mean, females can be really mean to other females if they they're intimidated by them. can men can be intimidated by other men. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me because I'm just trying to be a nice person to as many people as possible. Right. But I agree with you. Like I had a question the other day on my Instagram. A mum said, how do I deal with strangers trying to talk to my kid? And I was like, well, I'm very sneaky because I make it about them before they can make it about my child.
Damian (27:55)
Yep. Yep.
Yeah.
Kristi McVee (28:15)
So I usually again do that verbal judo. I ask them lots of questions so that they have no time to ask my child questions. They have no way to do it because I've just gone and like made the conversation all about them. You know, what do you do? Where do you work? And then I'm like, isn't it? And then I might, if I'm feeling really spicy, I might throw in, is that weird how we expect people to ask questions, answer questions like that?
Damian (28:16)
guys.
Ha
There you go, you're doing it
in Kristi's way and I'm doing it in Damian's way. Same result. And if it's a nice, normal, say an elderly person, of course you can let the little one talk. But you know these people, you know, remember we called them cops shit magnets? All the scumbags come and talk to us and they want us to start talking? Why would we let those persons talk to our kids? And you've nailed it there, you're verbal judo.
Kristi McVee (28:43)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, we just I don't know, they didn't teach it in the academy when I went through, but it was something that was actually and they really do need to do more of this because unfortunately, we're losing the skills of conversation. Our generations are now losing my daughter, who's 18 said to me, has said to me for years now, my generation doesn't even know how to talk to each other. They're too busy on their phones. And I'm like, and she's growing up around adults. She's an only child. She's grown up.
Damian (29:11)
Hmm.
Kristi McVee (29:26)
having conversations like she knows how to eyeball people and talk to them. She knows how to talk to strangers. She's, she's going to be okay. But I just think that, you know, we need to teach everyone how to have those conversations and to, you know, be confident, because that's part of it. Like confidence is a big part of it. and if you don't have confidence, fake it. Okay, that was my saying in the police academy, fake it till I make it fake it till I make it because I didn't feel very confident in the police academy. I can tell you that.
Damian (29:45)
Yep. Yep.
Yeah, I mean, like I said, I don't go around beating my chest. I can't do that at the moment, clearly. Assume that attacker is bigger, faster, stronger, more skilled, armed, has a pre-plan. thinking about my special forces training experience, what if the guy, if I'm thinking he's armed and he pulls out a machete, you've seen it before, machete out of his jeans or pulls out a needle. If I think about these things, then I can go worst case. And I'm not going to think I'm better and stronger because I've got some skills.
If I think about that, then I'm going to be doing all job to get away and to get my loved ones away. I don't want to be in that situation. I don't want to fight, but sometimes, and we haven't talked about this too much, sometimes violence enters your world immediately, like Bondi twice. Twice there was the knife attack, which I thought was worse in the malls. But what do we learn from the knife attack? In the videos we see dad,
Kristi McVee (30:25)
Yep, move back.
Damian (30:45)
a mom and a child and the guy with the knife comes running at them and the dad just turned around and faked it. Just like you said, he turned around at the guy and the guy ran away. The guy with the knife ran away from the dad who turned to face him. That dad couldn't have done anything. He was going to get stabbed to death. But because that dad turned around and yep, he presented. Yep. Yeah.
Kristi McVee (31:05)
He presented as like a threat. He presented himself as a threat.
Damian (31:11)
Exactly.
Kristi McVee (31:11)
Yeah.
Damian (31:11)
thought the Bondi stabbing one in the mall showed us a lot about human behavior. You've got the famous now bollard guy. If someone's got a bollard and I've got a knife, he's getting stabbed. But to the knife guy, bollard guy was a real threat and he ran away. He ran down the escalator. So that shows violence can come upon you and you have to take action. And it worked for those people. was great. But there's
Kristi McVee (31:19)
Yeah.
Yeah.
It usually does.
I'm not saying every time and I'm not saying it's a, if you've got someone who is completely determined to hurt you, then you know, it's fight for your life kind of situation, right? But in most cases, like you said, they're, they're gutless. They don't want, they don't want to get caught or they don't want to get harmed or they're trying to preserve their own life so that they can do as much harm
Damian (31:46)
It is. It is.
Kristi McVee (31:59)
And this is what you learned through all of this behavioral stuff is that they are wanting to do as much harm as possible for as long as possible in those situations. And we didn't really talk about going down this conversation topic, but they're wanting to do as much harm as possible. And so when a threat comes on them, they're gonna turn the other way. And it's the same with child sex offenders, mind you, because they don't wanna get caught. What happens when they get caught?
Damian (32:20)
Right.
Kristi McVee (32:24)
First of all, they're going to be shunned in the community. They're going to end up in the court system. They might or may not be found guilty. But like they do it for years before they get caught usually. Like they can have 10, 15 victims in their lifetime, maybe even more. And so they're very gutless. And that was my experience with them. They're very gutless, very much. They play the victim. When they get found out, they will...
Damian (32:27)
Hmm.
Kristi McVee (32:49)
turn it around about the child or the family that's come forward. They turn it around about them not liking them. They gaslight everyone. They make everyone feel like surely this person hasn't done that, right? But they're very gutless. And then what they do is they're trying to get away with what they've been doing. So they run and tuck tail. They'll move schools. They'll move communities. They'll move places. They change partners.
You know, so it's really, most of these offenders are gutless. And that's why when someone stands up to them, they turn tail and run.
Damian (33:22)
You've brought up a great subject on exactly that, plus what you said before about how I do teach the people who've been through, unfortunately, different situations, I'll call it, and it's bravery. People listen to this by now, might think that you and I, Kristi are brave. They might think that, but I'm here to tell you all now, nobody's brave, and I've been around the toughest, baddest warriors in the world, and if I haven't worked with them in New Zealand, they yes,
I've interviewed my show, I've interviewed people from Black Hawk Down. I'm literally got the member Eric Banner from Black Hawk Down, movie. Well, the character Hoot, he's coming on the show. I've interviewed what you would think of the bravest people in the world. No, we choose bravery. We choose to be brave. So that child that's gonna speak up at that time, they might be freaking out, but they might choose bravery. And that woman on the train that I talked about might choose bravery by...
Kristi McVee (33:56)
Yeah. Yep.
Yes.
Damian (34:16)
freaking out and calling transit police on the phone. And I might choose bravery when I know I can't use my arms, but there's something ⁓ that I got to protect my boy from. You have to choose bravery and we're not brave people. The people that you think are brave, they're just going choose, choose, choose, choose, choose continually. And I know you know what it's like. I could see it in your face, but for listeners out there, you're going to have to choose that at a time and listen to this conversation might help you jump over that barrier to stand up to the bully.
Kristi McVee (34:19)
100%.
Damian (34:42)
to stop that person from hurting you sexually as a child or adult, or to stand up to that person that's taking your stuff and make that choice. But it's about choosing bravery, which is something I want to bring up.
Kristi McVee (34:47)
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree with you 100%. I'm not a brave person, but naturally like I make brave choices. Like I make, you know, when I've confronted someone, when I stood up for my daughter to a bully at school or I've gone and you know, like I'm usually shit in my pants in and not, but I I'm good at faking it. And I'm also good. I also have the training, the practice and the knowledge to go, okay, this is not okay. And as long as I, you know, you just get better at
Choosing that you get better at through practice. Yeah, it does come down to practice. All of it is like I didn't I was terrified in the police academy of like, you know, I was small. I couldn't jump the six foot fence properly. I, you know, I was not fit and I didn't feel fit enough for everyone. Everyone was faster than me. I used to get bit TMI, but I see it diarrhea every time I had to do PT like I used to go. I was like anxiety driven.
Damian (35:23)
through practice.
wow.
full biological drive.
Kristi McVee (35:51)
Yep,
yep. And I was like, I do not want to be here, but this is what I need to do. And that was me choosing bravery in those moments. It was stubbornness as well. Bit of stubbornness in there as well. But, you know, and I don't choose like, again, you know, we have found jobs outside of police outside of our other careers.
Damian (35:55)
Yeah. It was. It was. It really is. And put it.
Kristi McVee (36:11)
And that's a different type of bravery again, because standing on a stage, teaching people, putting yourself and making yourself vulnerable, that's a different type of bravery. I think parents, it's easy to be brave for your kids because they mean so much to you. So it is easier when your child is the one being harmed or your child needs you to stand up for them. There is parents who don't choose that. We know that, but I think sometimes
Damian (36:23)
Yes.
Kristi McVee (36:35)
Just be kind to yourself. You have to be kind to yourself and realize that you don't, these are not natural instincts.
Damian (36:42)
I agree they're trained. I just want to relate a story. It does relate to this somehow. had a mom bring her a seven year old girl, that's really young to teach this stuff to. I think seven or eight year old girl and I think a 11 year old boy, obviously brother and sister to me. And the threat was a psychotic dad, their biological dad with dual custody. that the word you use? Shared custody?
Kristi McVee (37:04)
Yeah.
Damian (37:05)
And it was in case he went psychotic when they're in the house. But I had to teach them stranger danger. You know what you to do if you kids are at home and you knock and someone knocks on the door, what do you do? Do you answer the door? No, you have a look at who it is. Who do you ring? You can ring the police. You're not going to ring mom and dad because mom and dad can't help by the way. Don't ring hubby. When the, when the house is on fire ring ring triple zero. that's a fireman's wife has done that before.
Kristi McVee (37:14)
Yeah.
Triple zero.
Come and save me.
Damian (37:32)
Didn't work. You know, I had to teach them stranger danger and then, okay, now you have to get out the back door and go to a safe place. that the cafe across the road? that a neighbor you know? But it was actually without telling them, it was actually in case dad had become the threat. But I had to teach them to make that choice and practice it. Just like you practice a fire drill in your house, which door you're to go out of if there's a fire and where do you go and meet? It's the same thing if someone comes through your door. But what's interesting with that one,
Kristi McVee (37:41)
safe neighbor, wherever.
Damian (38:00)
how she was so brave, the mum, she brought her kids to me to learn a little bit of bravery, but I was quite amazed that she had the bandwidth to realize these kids need a bit of skill training. And I was very honored that I was the one that she brought them to.
Kristi McVee (38:16)
Yeah, and that's so true. Actually, one of the things that I don't know if you remember this, but one of the things that happens when there is domestic violence or some sort of threat to children and to families is they do a threat assessment, obviously, and then they do a plan on how to get help if they if the person comes into the home. So they actually sit down and plan if the person turns up their front door. So you were doing that by adding in a little bit more to it. But
Damian (38:42)
Yeah.
Kristi McVee (38:42)
Basically,
if someone comes to the front door and it's the person that is, you know, there's a violence restraining order or that they've harmed them in the past. Okay, this is what we do. you know, if they come in, this is we go and lock ourselves here or we go and call this person or we climb the back fence and we go to this house or we go to this place. And so this is and they do that planning because, you know, this happens so often to families where someone's a threat and that
Damian (38:48)
Yes.
Kristi McVee (39:09)
there's not much that police can do until someone they charge their they found guilty they put in jail or or if they even get that far so
Damian (39:17)
That's the first time I've heard of it, Kristy. I I've many times heard of the story in person. I've had a VAR against this guy. It's not with the guy, but hey, I know tons of men that have gone through domestic violence. I've got a VAR against this guy, but he did this. He broke in the house or he did this, hurt me. Gosh, ladies, a piece of paper from a magistrate ain't gonna protect you. So please take the ownership and the maybe
Kristi McVee (39:24)
Mm. Yeah, either way.
No. No.
Damian (39:43)
expensive or maybe brave step or whatever it is to go and then do something like you just said, that's on top of that. And that's a holistic way of keeping you safe. And if you've got a family, you've got a responsibility in my opinion.
Kristi McVee (39:56)
I think that's what we're talking about here in this whole episode really is like your experience is helping people understand first of all those three things, those three tools that they need is to, and help me again, cause I've gone blank.
Damian (40:09)
So generally
I teach people how to win the fight and stay alive. Both those things are pretty important. You want to win by being able to be away and he can't chase you. So he's got a broken leg or can't breathe or can't see forever. If it's that threat, if it's not just as some bitchy woman in the nightclub. ⁓
Kristi McVee (40:27)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's
only if you have, you know, it's warranted that you do it because otherwise you might. Yeah.
Damian (40:32)
So the law states, and this is the next part, so the next part is stay out of jail.
If in the circumstances you believe them to be, not me, if you believe them to be, Kristi, five foot one, it's reasonable to use that level of force. So when the fighters stay alive, stay out of jail and deal with the psychological consequences after. You you had psychological and biological consequences before doing PT. Well, I'm sure as hell gonna say after you,
put around in someone's head, you're to have a psychological consequence after as well for just doing your job. So you've got to deal with that. And hopefully by listening to and seeing us here, we're going to talk about it, be open about it before and after as well.
Kristi McVee (41:11)
Yeah, and you're Getting yourself out of a situation where you feel like your life is at risk or your personal safety is at risk, because you know, it might not be life threatening, or you might not know what they're about to do, but you feel at risk. And that was right. It has to be justified. You have to justify and in and my husband, you know, time gone by, he'd be like, if anyone ever breaks into my house, I'll kill them kind of thing, you know, the typical blokey bloke thing to say, and I'm like,
Damian (41:26)
Yes.
off
Kristi McVee (41:35)
Well, you're technically not, you you have to be justified in doing that. You can't take a gun to a knife fight and you can't take a knife, you know, and you can't have the level of force has to be even. However, no, I know I was about to say. Yes, however, you can use just above that to be able to overcome it. I'm five foot one, right? Someone your size attacking me, I'm going to need more than just my arms and my legs. Yeah.
Damian (41:36)
Maybe.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, Christie has been enough to overcome the force being used. Yes.
Maybe your baseball bat that you've got there for the kids
t-ball and you know, we're taught this in the place Academy, you know It's in that it's the the mitt and and better in the in the boot of the car because I've just come from table I forgot to get rid of it Maybe it'd be justifiable for you to use because I'm a soldier and I'm bigger than you. Maybe it's reasonable. Absolutely
Kristi McVee (42:05)
Yeah.
put them away,
Exactly. Exactly.
And this is the things that we're taught. It has to be reasonable force for what and what your belief was in that moment. My belief is I'm going to die. therefore, however, it doesn't stop you from going through that. It might keep you out of jail, but it doesn't stop you going through that trauma of the whole situation, which is, you know, going through potentially having charges against you, potentially having to go through court and defend yourself against what your level of force was, et cetera. Yeah.
Damian (42:46)
Well, that's something that's interesting here in
WA that self-defense is not a right in WA law. It's actually self-defense in WA law is different in different places in Australia listeners and viewers around the world is completely different as well. But in Western Australia law, self-defense is doing a harmful act to another person. And it may be the defense in court to doing a harmful act to another person. So you've got to be really able to ⁓
Kristi McVee (42:52)
I know, crazy.
Damian (43:10)
to say those words nicely, or we used to say to write it up really well of why he used that little of force.
Kristi McVee (43:16)
Yeah, yeah, it's not, it's not easy. And I think that's the thing, having a plan in place, the whole, I think our whole conversation is based around, we're not saying you have to be hyper vigilant and on alert all the time. Like, we're not saying that that's why but my mind, from my experience, knowing my child knew what to watch out for when it came to harmful behaviors or unsafe behaviors or any inappropriate behaviors from an adult or another child.
meant that I knew my child was armed and knew what to do when that happened. Knowing how to situationally be aware, have a little plan in place, I still do it now. I still do it now when I see, think something, my alert goes off, I'm like, okay, what's my next step if something happens? I still do it now.
Damian (44:01)
Most of it is, if you've
seen that happening before it's happening, most of it's just moving away a little bit. know, it'd be that crossing the street or it'd be just putting you between the weirdo and your kid. It's just doing something or what if you drive up in a car to a car park and you go to get out and you're just about out and there's a weird guy. What's stopping you from closing the door of your car and driving away to another place? It's just our behavior, our non-practicing.
Kristi McVee (44:07)
Yeah, adding some distance.
Exactly.
Damian (44:27)
I love teaching people those files. If it looks weird, it probably is and just go and do something else. Go move and don't talk. No.
Kristi McVee (44:33)
You're not hurting anyone. You're not hurting
anyone by choosing not to get out in that space or waiting until they've moved on or whatever it is. I think in Australia, we're much luckier than other countries, especially because in Australia, we're having a lot safer nation, but overall, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
Damian (44:40)
Yeah.
It's always going to be a surprise when it does, Kristi. You know, when you put on the uniform and police, you're ready to go and do things. When we get a call at the fire station, I'm ready to go to the car crash. But if a car crash happens in front of us both right now, we're behind the eight ball, but we're pretty good because we've practiced a little bit. We practice.
Kristi McVee (45:09)
I don't know, about a
little bit out of practice these days. And one of the things that sometimes I do think, like what would I do now? I don't know, it's just ingrained in me to like pre-plan certain scenarios, driving along, crash happens, doing this. But I have, I've seen crashes that have resulted in fires or having to pull someone out because the car's about to catch on fire or you see a spark or something. I've seen that happen since.
Damian (45:23)
Yep. Yep.
And
I never, so ironically, I never have seen that. We're rarely slow to it if we were, but you've seen that and you've got more practice and experience of that. So your skill level is faster. So we've been talking about making decisions. If I go into a room and I see a bad guy with a gun and I'm doing hostage rescue, I look like I'm John Wick because I've seen the thing and I've reacted. But all it is is...
Kristi McVee (45:57)
You're like, all the
things.
Damian (46:00)
The time between seeing the thing and pulling the trigger is really, really short. It's just practice and practice, practice. So you're faster at going, that car might go and fire you, pull that person out. Same thing as you're faster at seeing the weirdo down the mall and moving or, you know, seeing that guy walking towards you in that group of three women and you said something, the persons that listen to this might be a bit slower, but practice makes you faster.
Kristi McVee (46:22)
Yeah.
Yeah. And because you brought that up, I will say this, when I was in Austria again, I got like not reprimanded, but during empty hand combat or empty hand tactics, which means that it's just your hands and your body. You're not using any for like any weapons, right? For anyone who doesn't know. yeah, so during empty hand tactics, I got multiple fails.
because at first I used too much force. So I was too, I went too hard. Second time I went too soft because I was too scared of using too much force. and so I was constantly like, and so I had to practice it over and over and over again of like, you know, putting someone into a arm bar, putting someone into a hole, putting some, you know, making sure that I can cuff them properly, you know, and one of the reasons why I did get
Damian (47:02)
Yeah.
Kristi McVee (47:12)
And it's it's hilarious to me now, like I think, but at the time I was like, what are you telling me? I'm five foot one. Why are you saying I'm using too much force? I can't hurt anyone. ⁓ And they were like, no, no, you hurt you heard us. And I was like, okay, dial it back down. But, you know, the thing is, is that I was really slow to begin with, like my reaction times, I actually got reprimanded because I was so slow to react like
Damian (47:22)
Hahaha!
Yes.
Kristi McVee (47:38)
A something came up like a ⁓ threat came up and I was like, there was a delay. Like my little mouse on the wheel was really slow. And then I would react and it was already done. Like it was too late. Yeah.
Damian (47:49)
Yep. Yep.
It's, um, normal. It's super normal. You were just a normal human doing that. Like I wasn't like John Wick. Um, when I joined the special forces, was insanely slow and it would have looked like a complete fool, but it's normal. Just like you said the words before all split up, fight, flight, freeze and fawn are all normal. Fawn's not very normal for a male. It's very normal for a female.
Freeze is normal from a baby, it's biological. Flight, maybe you'll run. Fight is not normal really unless you've practiced it. They're all normal human reactions. Yeah.
Kristi McVee (48:21)
Yeah, unless you taught it. Yeah,
and also our childhood or our childhood experiences also will come into play when we're an adult. for me personally, we were saying, I was telling you about my brother, right? My brother, it was much taller than me, much bigger than me, and we used to fight constantly. he would, and I would got really good at running and locking myself in a bed bathroom, or I would punch first,
Damian (48:30)
Yes.
Kristi McVee (48:49)
and push him off before he got me held down. Because once I was held down, I had no hope. And so that kind of trained me for the police. But at the same time, my reaction now, even now, is someone gets up in my space. One of my family members ever comes up into my face. I had a very angry, interaction. I wasn't drunk. The person was from a family member. And I literally pushed them back and said, get out of my face.
And that was a reactionary thing. That was not me doing it from like, you know, that was something I've been trained to do. But in the same breath, that took time to build. That took time to do.
Damian (49:27)
You practiced with your brother. You practiced. And I guess I could probably sum up some of my experience with this, I was learning and teaching the unarmed combat. This it's got fancy words in the military, but that's basically it. But I was also boxing. love boxing. I was boxing with a very good coach and there was a Commonwealth boxer there as well. And you know, I'm a younger guy. said to this Commonwealth boxer in the change room and said, listen,
If I ever got in a fight, what do you think I'd Do you think I'd box or do you think I'd do what you see me do with this chopping throats and gouging eyes and breaking knees thing? He said, Damien, it'll be whatever you practice more. Holy crap, I stopped boxing that day. Cause I'm going to come up against somebody better, but it's what you practice and it was what comes to the foremost and you're practicing with your brother, the condition you do for now.
Kristi McVee (49:59)
most.
Yeah.
And what I was what I was actually saying was that if you're conditioned in childhood to run and hide, you'll run and hide. If you're conditioned to fight, you'll fight. If you're conditioned to fawn, you'll fawn. And it's a biological thing that it's a survival thing that you've learned from a very young age to do. So it has to take time, practice and and knowledge to override that. So anyone who feels bad that they've
Damian (50:18)
Mm hmm. Great.
And great.
Kristi McVee (50:37)
rent or they've not fought or they've it's actually literally takes like you said that bravery those seconds of bravery that three, two, one, let's go. Turn. ⁓ I don't want to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I need to, ⁓ you know, anything like that. have actually, and I use this with dogs too. I don't know about you, but did you come across a lot of like, dogs that were trying to attack you?
Damian (50:49)
Yep. Yep.
I do teach how to eliminate that threat. Let's put it that way.
Kristi McVee (51:00)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, in policing, you're always you know, if you're going into a warrant or you're going into someone's backyard or if you're, you know, knocking on a door, you might have dogs that are aggressive. And I was actually at the beach the other day with a friend walking and these two big ass dogs, we had our dogs, we have little dachshunds, by the way, two big ass Mastiff Cross somethings came flying at us.
Damian (51:19)
Yep. Yep.
Kristi McVee (51:25)
And I stood in front of both the dogs and yelled at the dog and I was like, get back, like use my mum voice. And I was like, get back, stay and like put my leg out and basically stop them from getting closer. Because in my experience, and it works the same with people, is that if you allow them to get as close to your dogs, because your dog will react to that dog and then you'll have a dog fight.
Damian (51:31)
Yep.
Kristi McVee (51:47)
Whereas I was preventing and the dog, was the biggest person there. I made myself big. I made myself loud and that those dogs just ran around us and kept going. And my friend was like, what did you, why did you just do that? And I was like, I, you don't two dogs versus two dogs, two dogs on lead. You, first of all, dog fights about happens. Second of all, you just don't know if these dogs are going to attack us. So you have to make yourself bigger.
Damian (51:57)
You
exactly, you did exactly what that dad did for his family at Bondi. You turned to face it and you became the bigger, bigger thing. Gosh, all we're trying to do here, all I try and do, and I'm sure you're doing the same thing, is I'm trying to put a file into someone's head. One file, they might take away the dog file there. They might've taken away the get back file. They might've taken away the unsafe adult file. Put a file in someone's head that they can use later on and hopefully it's gonna be of use to them or someone they love. That's all I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to teach you that the world's scary.
but the world is real and you should have some practice at some of the things we've talked about.
Kristi McVee (52:42)
Yeah. And so how do people find you Damien if they need to find you in the How Not to Die Guy on Instagram. I love that.
Damian (52:47)
Yeah,
super easy. How Not to Die Guy Instagram, punch it in, put how not to die guy in Google. I'm sure I'm going to be the first weirdo that comes up and hownottodieguy.com. I have people message me all around the world and I'm there to help. We talked about domestic violence for guys. That's been an interesting one. Every guy message back, which wasn't a lot, it was about six in the last two years. They said it saved their life because they were going to do bad things themselves.
Kristi McVee (52:55)
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Damian (53:16)
they've been
Kristi McVee (53:16)
Yeah.
Damian (53:17)
ground down so much. So How Not to Die Guy or hownottodieguy.com. I will message you back. I'll reply if you want some help on anything. I'm here to help as you are. It is really my purpose. I love teaching good people great things.
Kristi McVee (53:30)
Yeah, and you really do, like you're like me, you just want to pass on as much knowledge as possible to help prevent anything bad happening, you know, and if it has happened, maybe that knowledge will help you feel a little bit safer and sleep a little bit better because at the end of the day, you know, when something bad happens, it just requires you feeling like you have some control that will help you feel a bit better about what's happened to you. Yeah.
Damian (53:45)
Exactly.
I agree. I agree.
Kristi McVee (53:57)
For anyone who doesn't know, poor Damian has had surgery on his muscles. So every time he said, can't lift my arms, it's because he literally cannot lift his arms.
Damian (54:05)
Yeah,
⁓ I do have one little quote I've used for years and it's, ego will get you killed. You know, if you're a guy and you think, I can do better than that and the other guy, you're going to get in a bad fight. Well, ego will rip your pecs off in the gym as well. So don't do what I did.
Kristi McVee (54:21)
don't do what you did. No,
and I've always, I think one of the things that I've always used because I was so little, I think it was my superpower really, is that I used my voice. I used my, I was able to talk people around, I was able to calm situations down and I could do that before I became a police officer. I think it's a learned thing that if you just, and it's funny because my family always go, when I get quiet, it's dangerous because I'm about to unleash. And so I was able to be very calm.
and you know be quiet and then speak and my family are like if she gets quiet then it's all hell's about to break loose because you're about to eviscerate someone with your words and I was like ⁓ that's a horrible thing for you guys to say but at the same time I'm like that's nice like yeah but thanks Damian I really appreciate your time I hope your recovery goes well and I really hope we will be able to catch up in person because we are actually in the same state.
Damian (54:59)
Yeah.
The irony of how we meet virtually is lovely to be on your show. I appreciate you taking the time and I do hope this helps someone else as well.
Kristi McVee (55:22)
⁓ yeah, it will for sure.
Kristi McVee (55:24)
Before you step back into your day, just take a breath. That was a lot. We talked about Bondi, we talked about, you know, being vigilant. We talked about incidences that might be quite confronting, but it wasn't about hyper vigilance. No, it wasn't. It wasn't about assuming the world is dangerous, but it was about awareness. It was about practice, about choosing bravery in moments that matter. Violence is rare, but when it happens, it's fast.
And the difference between freezing and responding often comes down to one thing, preparation. You don't have to become a fighter. You don't have to become someone you're Not. But you can practice using your voice. You can practice noticing things that feel off. You can practice teaching kids that know is powerful. And that practice builds confidence. It's not about ego or aggression. It's about calm readiness.
If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it, leave a review or send it to someone who might benefit from it. And if you want to connect with Damian, you can find him at hownottodieguy on Instagram or hownottodieguy.com. Stay aware, stay empowered, and I'll see you in the next conversation. Please reach out and check out all the resources in the show notes if you need any support.
