13 Grooming Behaviours Every Parent Needs to Know
Apr 27, 2026
I spent nearly six years as a detective specialising in child sexual abuse investigations. In that time, I interviewed hundreds of children and sat across the table from the people who hurt them.
One thing was always true: the abuse didn't start with the abuse.
It started long before - with a process called grooming. And in almost every single case, the warning signs were there. Parents just didn't know what they were looking at.
That's not a criticism. It's a system failure. We have not done a good enough job of teaching parents and carers what grooming actually looks like in real life - not in movies, not in stranger-danger scenarios, but in their own homes, in their own families, at their kids' sporting clubs and schools.
So let me fix that right now.
Here are 13 grooming behaviours you need to know. Not to make you paranoid - but to make you informed. There is a difference.
1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 90% of the time, the perpetrator is someone the child knows and trusts.
It is not often a stranger lurking in a park. It is the person you invited into your home.
What Is Grooming?
Grooming is the process an offender uses to gain access to a child, build trust with that child (and their family), and reduce the likelihood of the child disclosing the abuse.
It is deliberate. It is calculated. And it can happen over weeks, months, or even years before any physical abuse begins.
Offenders are often charming, helpful, and well-liked. That is by design.
The 13 Grooming Behaviours
- Touching Without Asking
This includes forced hugs, kisses, sitting on laps, tickling, and touching around or near a child's private areas. It also includes touching that has no reason - ruffling hair, patting, stroking - done repeatedly and without the child's consent.
Why it matters: Grooming often begins by normalising physical contact and testing a child's boundaries. If a child is taught they must accept touch - especially from adults they know - they lose the ability to recognise when touch is wrong or inappropriate.
What you can do: Teach your child from a young age that their body belongs to them. No one has the right to touch them without their permission - not even family members. Model this yourself by asking before you hug.
- Finding Ways to Get a Child Alone
Behind closed doors. Away from other adults. Arranging one-on-one time that isn't necessary. Creating situations where they are the only adult present.
Why it matters: Offenders need privacy to abuse. They actively create opportunities to be alone with children. This is not accidental.
What you can do: Be wary of any adult who consistently seeks alone time with your child. A safe adult does not need to be alone with your child. Insist on open doors and other adults present.
- Encouraging Nudity or Semi-Nudity Around Them
This includes being present during bathing, showering, nappy changes, or getting dressed when there is no valid reason for them to be there. It also includes walking in on children changing or using the bathroom under the guise of an 'accident.'
Why it matters: This behaviour is used to desensitise children to nudity and to normalise the offender's presence around the child's body.
What you can do: Your child deserves privacy. Full stop. If an adult is repeatedly 'accidentally' present during vulnerable moments, take that seriously.
- Not Respecting a Child's Privacy or Bodily Autonomy
Walking in without knocking. Not accepting 'no' when a child doesn't want to be touched. Dismissing a child's discomfort. Making a child feel rude or ungrateful for asserting their boundaries.
Why it matters: Offenders deliberately erode a child's sense of ownership over their own body. If a child learns that adults override their 'no,' they are less likely to resist or report abuse.
What you can do: Honour your child's 'no' - every time. When they say they don't want a hug, respect it. This teaches them that their boundaries matter and will be respected by the adults around them.
- Talking Inappropriately or Sexualising Children
Telling sexual or 'dirty' jokes. Making comments about a child's body or development. Introducing sexual topics into conversation. Talking about sex in ways that are not age-appropriate.
Why it matters: Offenders use inappropriate conversation to gauge a child's reaction, introduce sexual concepts gradually, and desensitise the child to sexual content.
What you can do: If an adult is making comments about your child's body, telling inappropriate jokes around them, or introducing sexual topics - that is a red flag, not 'just their sense of humour.'
- Treating a Child as Older or More Mature Than They Are
Telling a child they are 'so mature for their age.' Confiding in them like a peer. Including them in adult conversations. Creating a sense that they are 'special' and different from other kids.
Why it matters: This is a classic grooming tactic. It builds the child's ego, creates a sense of a unique bond, and isolates them from their peers - making them more dependent on the offender.
What you can do: An adult who consistently treats your child as a peer rather than a child is worth watching closely. Children are meant to be children.
- Showing Children Age-Inappropriate Content
Showing pornography, violent content, or sexually suggestive material. Playing 'adult' video games with children. Exposing them to content that normalises sexual behaviour between adults and children.
Why it matters: Offenders use pornography and explicit content as a grooming tool - to normalise sexual behaviour, reduce a child's shock or resistance, and create a sense of shared secrecy.
What you can do: Know what your child is watching and who they are watching it with. If another adult has shown your child anything sexually explicit, that is not an accident. Consider discussing the inappropriateness of the content with the adult and to discuss what was seen with the child.
- Excessive Gift-Giving
Special treats. Extravagant gifts. Foods or things you have said no to. Going out of their way to be the 'fun' adult who gives your child what you won't.
Why it matters: Gift-giving creates a sense of debt and gratitude in a child. It builds loyalty and affection toward the offender - and makes the child less likely to want to 'get them in trouble.' It also deliberately undermines parental authority.
What you can do: Take note when an adult repeatedly gives your child gifts, especially when those gifts go against your parenting decisions. Ask yourself: why does this person need my child to like them so much?
- Seeking Alone Time With Children
Pushing for sleepovers. Offering to babysit. Organising 'special outings.' Tutoring or coaching one-on-one. Suggesting the child sleeps in the same bed - especially when other options are available.
Why it matters: Access and privacy are the two things an offender needs to abuse. They will find creative and seemingly innocent ways to create both.
What you can do: A safe, caring adult does not need to have your child alone overnight. They do not need to sleep in the same bed. You are allowed to say no to sleepovers, to demand other adults be present, and to question arrangements that don't feel right.
- Keeping Secrets and Encouraging Children to Lie to Parents
"Our little secret." "Just between us." "I'll get in trouble if you tell your parents." "Your mum wouldn't understand."
Why it matters: This is one of the most critical warning signs. Secrecy is the primary tool an offender uses to maintain silence. Teaching a child to keep secrets from their parents - about anything - is a manipulation tactic.
What you can do: Teach your child the difference between surprises (temporary, happy, eventually shared) and secrets (permanent, shameful, hidden). Tell them clearly: there is no secret that is so important they cannot tell you. You will never be angry at them for telling.
- Dismissing Your Parenting Decisions Around Your Child
Overriding your rules in front of your child. Saying things like "your mum is too strict" or "your dad worries too much." Positioning themselves as the fun, understanding adult and you as the obstacle.
Why it matters: This tactic is designed to drive a wedge between the child and their parents - reducing the child's trust in their parents and increasing their loyalty to the offender. It is also designed to make the child less likely to tell you if something happens.
What you can do: This is a boundary violation, full stop. An adult who consistently undermines your parenting authority in front of your child does not have your family's best interests at heart.
- Going Behind Your Back
Doing things with your child that you said no to. Contacting your child directly without going through you. Making arrangements with your child that deliberately exclude you.
Why it matters: An offender who is willing to go behind a parent's back is testing how much they can get away with - and teaching the child that it is acceptable to exclude their parents.
What you can do: If an adult is consistently working around you to access your child, that pattern is not acceptable. Trust that instinct.
- Dismissing the Need for Body Safety Education
Reacting with discomfort, dismissiveness, or even hostility when you talk about body safety with your child. Saying it is unnecessary. Suggesting you are being alarmist or overprotective.
Why it matters: An offender does not want your child to know the language, concepts, or permission to disclose. Any adult who actively resists your child having body safety education should raise questions for you.
What you can do: Teach body safety regardless of who objects. It is one of the most protective things you can do for your child.
One Behaviour Is Not Enough - But Patterns Are
It is important to say: one of these behaviours in isolation does not automatically make someone an offender. Context matters.
But here is what I know from years of investigating these crimes: patterns matter. Multiple behaviours together matter. And your gut matters.
If something feels wrong - if you feel uncomfortable, if your child seems uncomfortable, if you notice several of these behaviours in one person - trust that. You do not need proof to act protectively. You do not need to wait until abuse happens to put distance between your child and an adult who concerns you.
You are allowed to protect your child based on what you observe.
What to Do Next
Start by talking to your child. Not with fear - with information. Children who know the names of their body parts, understand the concept of consent, and have been told they can always tell you anything - no matter what - are more protected.
My Body Safety Card Deck is a simple, practical tool to help you start those conversations in an age-appropriate way. No scripts needed. No awkward moments. Just a conversation that could change everything.
Because the best thing you can do for your child is not wrap them in cotton wool. It is make sure they know what to look for, what to say, and that you are always, always safe to tell.
Find the physical cards here: https://www.kristimcvee.com/presale-conversations-with-kids-hard-copy-cards
Or the digital download here: https://www.kristimcvee.com/conversations-with-kids
