Why female child sex abusers are often overlooked & how grooming plays a role

Recent cases involving female educators and carers have understandably shaken people and forced many of us to re-examine assumptions about who we trust with our children.

Not because abuse by a female perpetrator is new - but because when a woman, particularly a trusted adult such as a teacher, harms a child, it doesn’t fit the mental picture many people carry of a child sexual abuser.

For a long time, child sexual abuse has been framed almost exclusively through a male-perpetrator lens. And while it is true that most identified offenders are male (statistically around 90%) that narrow framing creates a dangerous blind spot.

In my investigative experience, females account for a smaller proportion of identified offenders. However, they often play significant roles in assisting, facilitating, enabling, or concealing abuse - actions that can be equally harmful to children.

Whether through direct participation or by turning a blind eye, grooming and abuse are not defined by gender and neither is the capacity to cause sexual harm.

Why Female Offenders Are Often Missed

As a detective, one of the most consistent challenges I saw wasn’t a lack of care - it was misplaced certainty.

Women are often viewed as:

• Nurturing
• Safe
• Maternal
• Emotionally protective

Those assumptions lower scrutiny and create a sense of safety.

Female offenders are more likely to be trusted, given access, and shielded from suspicion - not because people are naïve, but because social conditioning tells us women are less capable of sexual harm. Again statistically they are, however, evidence and history tells us that it’s not everyone but it can be anyone. 

That belief doesn’t just affect an adults' judgement and discernment. Children absorb it too.

When someone’s behaviour doesn’t match the stereotype of a “bad person,” confusion replaces alarm and that confusion creates space for grooming to occur.

Grooming Is About Behaviour, Not Gender

Grooming is not a personality trait. It’s a carefully crafted process.

It involves deliberately building grooming conditions that make harm easier and disclosure harder. And while the tactics may vary, the intent and impact are the same.

Female offenders often rely less on overt control and more on:

• Emotional closeness (“What we have is special. No one else gets me like you do”)
• Boundary erosion disguised as care (“I’m showing you that I love you”)
• Over-involvement (“I’m just helping you”)
• Creating dependency (“You can tell me anything. I’ll always be here for you”)
• Positioning themselves as the “safe” or “special” adult (“I’m protecting you from everyone and keeping you safe”)

This isn’t accidental. It’s strategic. And because it often looks like kindness, support, or mentorship, it’s far more likely to go unchallenged.

How Female Grooming Can Look Different

In many cases, grooming by female offenders doesn’t start with sexual behaviour.

It starts with:

• Excessive one-on-one attention
• Special treats and privileges
• Private communication
• Emotional reliance
• Manufactured maturity
• Blurred physical or emotional boundaries

Children may be made to feel:

• Chosen
• Understood
• Protected
• Indebted
• Responsible for the relationship

Over time, boundaries are normalised away and the lines are blurred, often to the point that the child believes they are in a relationship with the offender or at least that what the offender is doing is part of them taking care of and loving them.

What makes this particularly dangerous is that the behaviour often feels and looks safe to everyone else watching.

Why These Cases Are Harder to Detect

Female-perpetrated abuse is more likely to be:

• Minimised
• Reframed
• Explained away
• Or dismissed entirely

Adults may struggle to reconcile the behaviour with their beliefs about women or that particular offender.
Professionals may hesitate to escalate concerns.
Children may feel deep confusion - especially when the offender is someone they’re expected to know, like and trust.

Disclosure becomes harder when:

• The offender doesn’t fit the narrative
• The behaviour doesn’t look “bad enough”
• The grooming has warped the adult/child relationship
• Or the child fears they won’t be believed

And this is where grooming becomes most effective.

The Role of Self-Grooming

In many cases, grooming isn’t just directed at the child - it also happens internally.

In a previous blog, I explored self-grooming (https://www.kristimcvee.com/blog/the-grooming-no-one-talks-about), the process by which offenders convince themselves that what they’re doing isn’t harmful, inappropriate, or abusive.

This can sound like:

• “I’m just being supportive.”
• “They are more mature than most kids their age.”
• “They need someone like me.”
• “I’m not hurting anyone.”
• “This is consensual because they want it too.”

Self-grooming allows offenders to override internal barriers and continue behaviour that crosses clear boundaries - often while maintaining a positive self-image that they aren’t harming the child. 

This psychological process is not unique to men. Female offenders engage in it too. 

And when internal justification meets external trust, harm becomes much easier to sustain and keep secret.

The Same Conditions Still Apply

Regardless of gender, grooming exploits the same conditions:

• Naivety - when a child doesn’t fully understand what’s happening
• Power imbalance - age, authority, confidence, access, or emotional leverage
• Disconnection - when a child doesn’t feel safe or confident to speak up

Female offenders don’t bypass these conditions. They often create them deliberately. See my recent blog post - The 3 conditions that increase the risk of child sexual abuse. https://www.kristimcvee.com/blog/the-3-conditions-that-increase-the-risk-of-child-sexual-abuse 

That’s why focusing only on who looks risky versus what behaviours are unsafe, misses the point.

Prevention requires us to pay attention to behaviour and dynamics, not assumptions about who is most likely to abuse a child.

What This Means for Prevention

This isn’t about denying the glaring facts of who abuses children. It’s about removing blind spots and keeping vigilant, regardless of the gender of the offender. 

Effective prevention means:

• Teaching body safety and boundaries consistently
• Watching for grooming behaviours, not stereotypes
• Ensuring supervision and accountability apply to everyone
• Maintaining strong connection so children feel safe to speak up

When children understand their bodies, feel confident using their voice, and trust that adults will listen calmly and act protectively, grooming becomes much harder to sustain - regardless of who is attempting it.

Accuracy Is Protection

Child safety improves when we’re willing to challenge assumptions, even uncomfortable ones.

Grooming explainers that exclude female offenders don’t protect children. They protect myths and myths are exactly where grooming thrives.

Want Help Having These Conversations?

If you’re looking for practical, age-appropriate ways to talk with children about body safety, boundaries, and speaking up, the Conversations with Kids Body Safety cards were created to help.

They support calm, everyday conversations that build clarity, confidence, and connection - without fear or overwhelm.

Because prevention doesn’t live in one talk. It lives in what we reinforce, model, and make safe to say.

Kristi x