The 3 conditions that increase the risk of child sexual abuse

After years working as a detective with children who had been abused, I started noticing something. 

It wasn't obvious at first but as time went on, certain conditions became consistently apparent. 

Different families. Different ages. Different settings. Different offenders. 
Some cases were adult-on-child abuse by family members, family friends, different adults from different relationship dynamics. Other cases were child-on-child harm by siblings, friends, peers. 

Yet the same underlying conditions appeared again and again and the abuse didn’t happen randomly.

It became possible when certain conditions existed - conditions that reduced a child’s ability to understand what was happening, challenge it, or speak about it.

Whether the harm came from an adult or another child, the patterns were strinkingly similar and the three conditions that made it possible, were almost always present. 

1. Naivety: When Children Don’t Have the Education to Understand What’s Happening

In many cases, the child didn’t fully understand that what was happening to them was inappropriate.

Children are not born knowing what’s okay and what’s not. We teach them that. 
They don’t instinctively understand private parts, consent, or boundaries - especially when behaviour is framed as play, curiosity, affection, or “just a game.”

This was true in cases involving adults, and it was equally true in cases of child-on-child harm.

Without body safety education, children are left to interpret behaviour on their own. Confusion replaces clarity and body safety boundaries become blurred. Harmful behaviour can inadvertently continue - not because a child allows it, but because they lack the knowledge and language to recognise it or question it.

Education matters because it gives children reference points. It helps them understand what’s appropriate, what’s not, and when something should be shared with a trusted adult. It helps them understand their safety within their environment and it empowers them to help seek, when it is not respected. 

2. Power Imbalance: When One Person Holds More Influence Than the Child

In every case I worked on, there was some form of power imbalance.

Sometimes it was obvious - an adult over a child. It's why adults who intentionally harm children go into positions that give them this kind of power.  Other times it was subtler - an older sibling or child, a more confident child, or someone with greater authority, access, or emotional influence.

Children are wired for connection and belonging. They adapt to power rather than challenge it. When someone holds more confidence, age, authority, or social standing, a child’s ability to question or resist behaviour decreases. This doesn’t often require force.

Power imbalance often operates through expectation, pressure, and a child’s need to maintain safety within relationships (no matter what the relationship is). Children instinctively understand that listening to and complying with someone who holds power over them - including parents and other trusted adults - is part of how they stay safe.

If children are not taught or shown that it’s okay to say “no” or to speak up when something doesn’t feel right, their nervous system will do what it’s designed to do. Biology takes over, and children default to survival responses - freezing or fawning - in order to stay safe.

In child-on-child harm, these dynamics are frequently overlooked, yet they are just as influential. Age differences, confidence, and unsupervised access can shift power in ways a younger or less confident child cannot easily navigate.

When a child feels smaller - physically, emotionally, or socially - compliance becomes more likely, even when something doesn’t feel right.

3. Disconnection: When Children Don’t Feel Safe to Speak Up

The third condition was silence - often not imposed, but developed.

Many children didn’t disclose because they:

• weren’t sure they would be believed

• didn’t want to upset adults or hurt their parents

• feared consequences or conflict 

• lacked confidence, knowledge or the right words

• didn’t know how to start the conversation

This applied across both adult-to-child abuse and child-on-child harm.

When a child doesn’t feel emotionally safe, connected, and confident that an adult will listen calmly and protectively, they are left to manage something far bigger than them on their own.

Silence isn’t always about secrecy. Often, it grows where connection is missing.

When These Conditions Exist Together

When a child:

• doesn’t understand what’s happening (naivety),

• feels overpowered or unsure how to say no (power imbalance), and

• doesn’t feel safe or confident to tell someone (disconnection),

abuse becomes easier - whether the harm comes from an adult predator or another child operating within the same conditions. This is the pattern I saw repeatedly.

A note on grooming

It’s also important to recognise that in many cases, these conditions don’t simply exist - they are deliberately created.

Grooming involves the intentional manipulation of children and often the adults around them. Some adults, and at times older children, actively work to increase confusion, reinforce power imbalance, and weaken a child’s connection to trusted adults in order to gain access and maintain silence.

This manipulation is purposeful and calculated, and it occurs entirely outside a child’s control.

Naming grooming matters, because it reminds us that while education and connection are protective, responsibility for abuse always sits with the person who chooses to exploit these conditions.

The Antidote: Body Safety Education and Ongoing Conversations

Body safety is not about fear, talking about or abuse, or suspecting everyone. And it’s not about placing responsibility on children.

Body safety works because it directly addresses the conditions that make harm easier.

It replaces naivety with education.
It helps rebalance power through language, consent, and boundaries.
And it strengthens connection so children know they can speak up and be heard.

When children understand their bodies, feel confident using their voice, and trust that adults will listen and respond calmly, the conditions that allow abuse - by adults or other children - begin to break down.

Prevention isn’t one conversation. It’s an ongoing practice of education, respecting boundaries and maintaing connection.

That’s not theory. That’s what the patterns showed me.

Want Help Starting These Conversations?

If you’re unsure how to begin body safety conversations with your child - or want practical, age-appropriate language you can use confidently, the Conversations with Kids cards were created to help.

They’re designed to:

• support calm, everyday conversations

• build understanding without fear

• strengthen connection and communication

• and help children know when and how to speak up

They are not about fear. They’re about building safety through ongoing, supportive conversations.

You can explore the Conversations with Kids cards here and take the next step in building body safety into everyday life.

Kristi x