Talking to Your Kids About Suicide, Self-Harm and Mental Health

I know how uncomfortable this topic feels for most parents. Suicide, self-harm and mental health are conversations we'd all rather not have to have with our kids. But avoiding them doesn't make our children safer, it just means that if these feelings ever show up, they won't know what to do with them, or who to turn to.

As a former child interviewer and police officer, I've sat with families in the aftermath of exactly this kind of silence. And as a parent, I've learned that the earlier and more calmly we open this door, the easier it is for our kids to walk through it when they need to.

Start with feelings, not with the crisis

You don't need to wait for a crisis to have this conversation, and you don't need to make it a big, heavy "sit down" talk either. I've found the easiest way is through feelings, because feelings are something we can talk about every day, long before the stakes are high.

Here's roughly how I've had this conversation with my own daughter when she was younger:

"It's okay to feel sad. But if that sadness doesn't go away, or if you ever feel like the world would be better without you in it, or that no one wants you here anymore, I'm here to help and support you. Sometimes our feelings lie to us, and sometimes they make us feel like no one cares. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I want to know about your feelings, good and bad, and I'm always here to help you and listen. And if any of your friends ever share with you that they're feeling this way, I'm here to help them too, not just you. Because sometimes we need help from adults, and these are the kinds of feelings that an adult needs to help kids with."

Notice what this script does:

• It normalises sadness as a feeling, not a problem to fix
• It gives language for the specific thoughts that matter most (feeling unwanted, feeling like a burden) without dramatising them
• It gently corrects the lie those feelings often tell: that no one cares
• It extends the invitation beyond just her own feelings, to her friends' feelings too
• It frames getting adult help as normal and expected, not a last resort

Why "feelings talk" works better than "the big talk"

Kids don't experience mental health in isolated crisis moments, they experience it in the everyday ups and downs of sadness, disappointment, frustration and worry. If the only time we talk about hard feelings is in one serious, formal conversation, we teach our kids that these topics are only for emergencies.

Instead, weave it into ordinary life:

• When they're upset about something small, that's a chance to talk about how feelings can be big even when the trigger seems small
• When they mention a friend is "being weird" or "seems really down," that's an opening to ask more and to remind them what to do with that information
• When you're going through your own hard day (in an age-appropriate way), modelling how you talk about your feelings shows them it's safe to do the same

What to watch for

You know your child best, so trust your instincts especially if something feels off. Some signs worth paying closer attention to include withdrawal from friends or activities they usually enjoy, changes in sleep or eating, giving away belongings, increased secrecy, or talk that sounds like goodbye rather than a bad mood. None of these on their own mean a crisis is happening, but they're worth a direct, gentle check-in: "I've noticed you seem really flat lately. Can we talk about what's going on for you and how you are feeling?"

Being the adult they'll actually come to

The goal of every one of these conversations is the same: making sure your child knows, without doubt, that you are a safe person to bring hard feelings to. That means:

• Responding to disclosures with calm and care first, problem-solving second
• Never punishing honesty, even when what they tell you is confronting
• Reminding them regularly, not just once, that you're available for this
• Extending that safety to their friends too, so they don't feel like they're the only one who can help someone else

This isn't a conversation you have once and tick off. It's a thread you keep picking back up, in small moments, so that when something big happens, your child already knows exactly where to go.

If your child, or a young person you know, is showing signs of serious distress, please reach out to a mental health professional, your GP or local hospital.