Stranger Danger: How to Keep Kids Safe, Not Scared

When most of us were growing up, "stranger danger" was the cornerstone of child safety. Don't talk to strangers. Don't take lollies from strangers. Never get in a stranger's car.

It's still the first thing many parents think of when they worry about keeping their kids safe. But here's what decades of research, and my years as a detective investigating child sexual abuse, have taught me: over 90% of all child sexual abuse is committed by someone the child knows. A family member, a family friend, a coach, a neighbour, an older child or another trusted adult in their world.

That doesn't mean the risk from strangers is zero. It isn't, and we should absolutely still teach our kids how to stay safe around people they don't know. But we need to remember that strangers are not the most common risk to our children. In my experience, stranger abductions are extremely rare compared to reported child sexual abuse, and most reported child abductions involve a parent or someone known to the family.

When we focus only on stranger danger, we can accidentally teach our kids two unhelpful things:

• That danger looks scary. Kids often picture a stranger as a "baddie" in a dark coat. People who harm children are usually friendly, kind and very good at gaining trust, from both kids and parents.
• That people they know are always safe. If a child believes only strangers are dangerous, they may not recognise or report unsafe behaviour from someone they love and trust.

The good news? Everything that keeps kids safe around strangers also helps keep them safe around people they know. The key is focusing on behaviours, not faces, and building body safety skills that work in any situation. Here's how to do it in a way that keeps them safe, but NOT scared.

1. Teach their body safety rights and early warning signs

Start with the foundation: your child has the right to feel safe at all times, and no one, whether they know them or not, is allowed to make them feel unsafe or touch their private parts.

Help them identify what it feels like in their body when they feel unsafe. These are their early warning signs. Do they get:

• Shaky knees
• Butterflies in their tummy
• A headache or sweaty hands
• A racing heart
• Feeling frozen or unable to talk

When kids can recognise these feelings, they know it's time to get away and tell a safe adult, no matter who made them feel that way.

2. Build their safety network

Help your child identify their safe people. These might be Mum, Dad, grandparents, teachers, carers or police. Ideally, aim for at least three to five adults, both inside and outside the home, so if one person isn't available, or one person is the problem, they always have someone else to tell.

Once they know who their safe adults are, you can introduce the idea that we don't go anywhere with people who aren't part of our safety network, and we always check with a safe adult first.

3. Talk about strangers, and about tricky behaviours

Strangers are simply people we don't know. They aren't part of our safety network and they aren't our friends, even if they are friendly. If we haven't met them before with our parents, we don't go anywhere with them.

But rather than teaching kids that all strangers are bad, teach them to notice tricky behaviours, whoever they come from. A safe adult will NOT:

• Ask a child to keep a secret from their parents
• Ask a child to go somewhere with them without checking with their parent or carer first
• Ask a child for help (adults should ask other adults for help, not children, like finding a lost puppy)
• Offer gifts, lollies, money or special treats without talking to their parents first
• Ask them to leave their school, playground or the place they are meant to be
• Touch them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable, or ask them to touch others

If anyone, a stranger or someone they know, does any of these things, it's a signal to say NO (if they can), get away as soon as possible and go tell a safe adult.

4. Teach them who to ask if they're lost

Here's something stranger danger messages often miss: sometimes the safest thing a child can do is ask a stranger for help. If your child gets lost at the shops or a festival, they need to know who to go to.

Teach them to look for a "safe stranger" such as:

• A worker behind a shop counter or in uniform
• A police officer
• A mum or dad with kids of their own

And make sure they know to stay where they are, inside the shop or venue, rather than walking off with anyone or heading out to the car park to look for you.

5. Role play "What could kids do if...?"

Role playing is one of the most powerful tools we have, and it's also a brilliant way to build confidence instead of fear. Use scenarios like:

"What could kids do if someone they don't know asked them to come and look at their sandcastle?"

"What could kids do if someone they know asked them to keep a secret from their mum?"

The answer might be yelling NO, running away and finding their safe adult or parent. Get them to act it out! Using "kids" rather than "you" means they aren't talking about themselves, so it feels less scary, but they are still coming up with ideas, using critical thinking and practising what to do if they are ever in that situation.

6. Remind them they are never in trouble for saying NO

Many kids are taught to be polite and do what adults tell them. Make it crystal clear that they will never be in trouble for saying NO to an adult or someone older if they feel unsafe, and they will never be in trouble for telling you about it, even if they broke a rule at the time.

7. Don't forget strangers online

Today, the strangers most likely to contact our kids aren't at the park. They're in game chats, social media DMs and apps. Online, people can pretend to be anyone, including another child.

Apply the same rules: people they've only met online are strangers, no matter how long they've been chatting. Safe people don't ask for photos, personal details or secrets, and they don't ask to meet up. If anyone online makes them feel uncomfortable, they can come to you and they won't lose their device or be in trouble.

What age should we start these conversations?

It depends on your child's language skills and developmental stage, but you can start having these conversations from around kindergarten age. Keep it simple and build on it as they grow.

How do we stop our kids from becoming fearful?

By helping them understand their body safety rights, that they have the right to feel safe at all times, and exactly what they can do if they feel unsafe. Fear comes from feeling powerless. When kids know what to do, they feel empowered rather than scared.

Family safety practices

1. Create a family safety password. Choose something exclusive to your family with your child's help, and don't share it with anyone. Make it part of your role plays to help them feel empowered: "What's the password?" If someone they don't know, or even someone they do know, says they've been sent to pick them up and doesn't know the password, they don't go.
2. Supervise and be present when your child is in public spaces like parks, shopping centres, public toilets and playgrounds.
3. Take note of the adults around you, especially those without children with them. Look them in the eye, notice who they are and keep an eye on them, just in case.
4. Watch the people you DO know, too. Notice adults or older kids who seek out time alone with your child, give special gifts or attention, push physical boundaries or encourage secrets. Trust your gut, and remember that protective interruption is always okay.

The bottom line

Stranger danger isn't wrong, it's just not the whole picture. By teaching our kids body safety, tricky behaviours and a strong safety network, we protect them from the small risk posed by strangers AND the much bigger risk posed by people they know. Safe, confident, and not scared.

Kristi x