My child asked me "What's a 69?" and I didn't know what to say

Help Kristi... my child came home and asked me what a "69" is, and I completely froze and I didn’t know what to say?

Kids hear things. In the playground, on the school bus, in group chats, in song lyrics, on YouTube and in game chats. Words like "69", "horny", "nudes" and "porn" get thrown around long before most kids understand what they mean, and sooner or later one of them lands in your lap. Usually at the most inconvenient moment possible, like in the supermarket queue or in front of Grandma.

I get a lot of parents asking me how to answer these tricky questions without over-sharing or under-explaining. And I get it. Nobody gave most of us a script for this.

But here's the thing. If we leave our children's education about sex, sexual words, consent, online sexual content and pornography to the internet or their peers, we risk them learning from inappropriate, misinformed and dangerous sources and people.

My motto is: "Better them coming to me and feeling a little embarrassed and awkward, than them going to a stranger."

If your child is bringing these questions to you, firstly, well done. It means they feel safe talking to you about tough subjects. Secondly, it means they want the truth. They know they could get an answer from their friends or Google, but they also know that YOU will give them the truth in a safe way. That is something to celebrate.

The words will change. Every year there's a new slang term, a new trend or a new app. But the steps for handling these conversations stay exactly the same. Here's how to answer tricky questions in age-appropriate language, for a child of any age.

1. Stay calm and thank them for asking

Your reaction in the first few seconds teaches your child whether it is safe to ask you again. If you laugh, gasp, look horrified or say "Where on earth did you hear that?!", they learn that this topic is shameful, and the next question goes straight to Google.

Take a breath, keep your face neutral and thank them for coming to you.

"Thanks for asking me, I'm really glad you came to me with that."

Being curious and wanting answers to things they don't understand is a completely normal part of childhood. Treat each of these questions as a teachable moment that supports their overall development, health and wellbeing.

2. Get side by side, not face to face

These conversations are so much easier when we aren't looking directly at each other. Perfect places are sitting next to each other on the same level, such as one-on-one in the car, watching a movie, playing a game together or lying in bed at night before sleep.

If the question pops up somewhere public or with siblings around, it's perfectly fine to say "That's a great question, let's talk about it in the car on the way home", as long as you actually do.

3. Ask what they think it means, and where they heard it

Before you answer, find out what they already know.

"What do you think it means?" "Where did you hear that?"

This does two really important things:

1. It buys you a moment to get your thoughts in order and work out which parts of their knowledge are correct and where they need more (or less) information. Often you'll discover they only know it's a "rude word" and have no idea what it actually means.
2. It's protective parenting. Understanding where they heard it gives you a window into their friendship, sibling, school and online circles, and where they are picking up information.

Things to consider:

• Is there a person or child exposing or introducing them to harmful content?
• Are they googling or searching for things they aren't ready to read, watch or hear?
• Did it come from a game chat, group chat, social media or someone they've met online?
• Has there been an incident where this came up that you might need to address?

Your next steps will depend on their answers here.

4. Call a time-out if you need one

If you're unsure how to answer, or you're feeling flustered, it's okay to tell your child how you feel. It's a great opportunity to show them that adults don't always have the answers straight away, and that it's important to get information right.

"Hey buddy, I'm not quite sure how to explain that one, because my parents never talked about this stuff with me and I want to make sure I get it right. Can I get back to you by {day/time}? I promise I won't forget."

However, you MUST follow up when you promised. If you leave them hanging, they will go and find someone else to give them the answer.

5. Keep your answer simple, honest and age-appropriate

Simple answers are the best answers. Use clear, straightforward, age-appropriate language and correct terminology, and check that your child understands the words you're using.

Remember, you don't need to describe the mechanics of every sexual act to give an honest answer. Answer the question they actually asked, not the one you're afraid of. For younger children, it's often enough to explain what category of thing a word belongs to and that it's for adults. Older tweens and teens who already understand what sex is may need a more specific, factual answer, delivered in the same calm, matter-of-fact way.

Here are some examples you can adapt:

"What's a 69?" "It's a slang word some people use for a type of sexual activity that adults do together. Sexual activity is for adult minds and bodies only, so it's not something kids need to worry about. Sometimes kids say '69' as a joke because they know it's a rude word, even if they don't know what it means."

"What does horny mean?" "It's a slang word for when a person has sexual feelings or wants to do sexual things. As bodies grow up, it's normal for people to start having new feelings, and you can always come and talk to me about that."

"What's a nude?" "A nude is a photo or video of someone with no clothes on or showing their private parts. It's never okay for anyone to ask you to send one, or to send one to you, and it's against the law for nudes of anyone under 18 to be made or shared. If that ever happens, tell me straight away. You will not be in trouble."

"What's porn?" "Porn, or pornography, is pictures or videos of people with no clothes on or doing sexual things, made for adults to look at. It isn't made for kids, and a lot of it shows things that aren't real, safe or respectful. If you ever see it, even by accident, come and tell me. You won't be in trouble."

"What's consent?" "Consent is the word to describe a person giving permission to do something. This can be about non-sexual things, like taking someone's photo, getting treatment from a doctor, going into someone's house or posting someone's photo online, and it's also about sexual activities. It's important that we respect someone's consent, and if they say 'no', we listen and stop."

Wherever you can, link the answer back to your family's body safety rules. For example: "Remember, no one should ever show you pictures or videos of private parts, and if they do, it's not your fault and you can always tell me."

6. Know when a question might be a red flag

Most of the time, these questions come from simple curiosity and playground chatter. But sometimes a question is a child's way of testing the waters, or a sign they have been exposed to something harmful.

Pay closer attention if your child:

• Has sexual knowledge or language well beyond what you would expect for their age
• Describes having been shown pictures or videos, or having things acted out in front of them
• Heard it from an adult, or from a much older child or teen
• Picked it up from someone they've been chatting with online, in a game or through private messages
• Seems secretive, anxious or ashamed when talking about it, or there are other changes in their behaviour

If something doesn't feel right, stay calm, listen, and don't interrogate them. Thank them for telling you and reassure them that they are not in trouble. Then seek advice from your local child protection service or police. If a child is in immediate danger, call 000.

7. Follow up

In most instances, our kids will take our answer as gospel and move straight on to the next thing in their busy brains, like getting a snack. Sometimes, though, they need time to process.

Ask straight after your explanation whether they have any questions or need any more information, and I also recommend touching base again in a few days.

"Hey, you know how we talked about that word the other day? I just wanted to check you didn't have any other questions about it. I know when I learn something new, I don't always have questions straight away."

This simple check-in shows them you're always available to talk, about anything, and that no question is too awkward to bring to you.

The bottom line

You don't need to have the perfect answer. You just need to be the safe, calm, honest person your child comes back to, every single time. The more tricky questions you handle well, the more likely they are to come to you with the big ones.

Good luck!

Kristi x