They Mean Well. But Good Intentions Don’t Keep Kids Safe

 What to say when the adults you love are modelling the exact behaviours that put children at risk.

I want to talk about something that doesn’t get said enough.

The behaviours we most commonly associate with grooming and child sexual abuse - the testing of boundaries, the forced physical affection, the secrets, the undermining of parents - are often the same behaviours that are modelled every single day by loving, well-intentioned grandparents and family members.

They are not predators. I want to be absolutely clear about that.

But here’s what keeps me up at night and something I keep explaining: a child cannot tell the difference.

When a child is taught that they must hug grandma even when they don’t want to, that adults can override their ‘no,’ that secrets with grown-ups are normal and sometimes fun - that child is learning that these things are acceptable. And when an offender uses those exact same behaviours to groom them, the child has no alarm system. No internal signal that something is wrong. Because they’ve been taught it’s normal.

That is the danger. Not the grandparent. The normalisation of allowing adults to have a say over their bodily autonomy. 

This Is Not About Blaming Grandparents

Most grandparents were raised in a completely different era around children’s bodies, consent, and family dynamics. ‘Give grandma a kiss’ was not malicious. It was love, expressed the only way they knew how.

But we know better now. And when we know better, we do better - even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it causes friction at Christmas dinner, even when someone accuses you of being too sensitive or overprotective.

Your job is not to keep the peace at the expense of your child’s safety. Your job is to raise a child who knows their body belongs to them.

The 7 Behaviours We Need to Talk About

Here is where the crossover happens. These are behaviours that loving family members commonly engage in - and the exact same behaviours that offenders use to groom children. Side by side, so you can see why this matters.

1. Forcing Physical Affection

What a grandparent might say or do:

“Give grandpa a hug. Don’t be rude. Come on, just one kiss.” The child pulls away or says no, and the adult either overrides it or makes the child feel guilty for refusing.

What a predator does:

Tests a child’s physical boundaries repeatedly. Touches without asking. Normalises physical contact the child hasn’t consented to - hugs, kisses, sitting on laps, tickling — so that touch from them feels normal and expected.

Why it matters:

A child who is taught that they must accept physical touch from adults - even when they don’t want it - learns that their ‘no’ doesn’t matter when it comes to their body. That lesson is one of the most dangerous a child can learn. Not because grandpa is dangerous. Because the next person who ignores their ‘no’ might be.

What to say:

“Mum and Dad are teaching [child’s name] that their body belongs to them and that they always have a choice about physical affection - even with family. It’s not personal. We love that you love them. We just need them to know their ‘no’ will always be respected.”

2. Not Respecting a Child’s ‘No’

What a grandparent might say or do:

Continuing to tickle after a child says stop. Picking up a child who is trying to wriggle away. Dismissing a child’s discomfort as silliness. Laughing it off when the child protests.

What a predator does:

Deliberately and repeatedly ignores a child’s ‘no.’ Uses tickling, roughhousing, and physical play to test how far they can push and whether the child will stop resisting.

Why it matters:

Children who learn that ‘no’ does not work - that adults will keep going regardless - stop saying it. They go quiet. They freeze. That freeze response is one of the reasons children don’t fight back or report abuse. They have been taught, unintentionally, that resistance is pointless.

What to say:

“When [child] says stop, we need everyone to stop immediately - every time, no exceptions. It’s how we teach them that their voice matters. It’s one of the most important things we can do to keep them safe.”

3. Keeping Secrets from Parents

What a grandparent might say or do:

“Don’t tell Mum I gave you that extra ice cream.” “This is our little secret.” “What happens at Nana’s stays at Nana’s.” Said with warmth and a wink. Completely innocent in intent.

What a predator does:

“Our little secret.” “Just between us.” “I’ll get in trouble if you tell your parents.” Secrecy is the single most powerful tool an offender has. It is the thing that keeps abuse hidden for years.

Why it matters:

When a child is taught - even playfully - that keeping secrets from their parents is normal and fun, it blurs the line between safe and unsafe secrets. An offender relies on a child already being comfortable with the concept of secret-keeping. Don’t hand them that tool.

What to say:

“We’re teaching [child] that there are no secrets they ever need to keep from us — not even fun ones. Surprises are fine - those get shared eventually. But secrets that are kept permanently aren’t something we want to normalise. It’s a safety thing, not a trust thing.”

4. Going Behind Parents’ Backs

What a grandparent might say or do:

Giving a child something the parent said no to. Making arrangements with the child directly without telling the parent. Saying “Your mum doesn’t need to know” or “Your dad is too strict.”

What a predator does:

Deliberately works around the parent to build a private relationship with the child. Creates a dynamic where the child feels the offender is their ally and the parents are the obstacle. Uses this wedge to increase isolation and loyalty.

Why it matters:

When a trusted adult consistently goes behind a parent’s back, it teaches a child that parental authority can be bypassed - and that some adults in their life operate outside of normal rules. That lesson makes a child significantly easier to manipulate.

What to say:

“When you go against our parenting decisions around [child], it teaches them that adults can override Mum and Dad. We need to be a united front, even if you don’t agree with every decision we make. Please come to us if you disagree - not around us.”

5. Dismissing Body Safety Education

What a grandparent might say or do:

“Oh, you don’t need to teach them all that, they’re fine.” “You’re going to scare them.” “We didn’t need any of this when I was young.” “You’re being paranoid.”

What a predator does:

Does not want the child to have the language, the knowledge, or the permission to disclose. An educated child is a protected child. An offender depends on a child not knowing what is happening to them is wrong, not having words for it, and not believing they are allowed to tell.

Why it matters:

When a family member dismisses or undermines body safety education, they are - without realising it - removing one of the most powerful layers of protection a child can have. Every child who knows the correct names for their body parts, understands consent, and knows they can always tell a trusted adult is harder to abuse and more likely to disclose.

What to say:

“Body safety education doesn’t scare kids - it empowers them. We’re not teaching [child] to be afraid. We’re teaching them to be informed. Please support that, even if it feels unnecessary to you. To us, it’s non-negotiable.”

6. Excessive Gift-Giving That Undermines Parental Rules

What a grandparent might say or do:

Bringing treats every visit. Buying extravagant gifts. Giving the child things the parent has specifically said no to. Being the adult who always says yes.

What a predator does:

Deliberately gives gifts, treats, and special privileges to build affection and a sense of debt in the child. Goes out of their way to be the fun, generous adult - to make the child feel special, loyal, and less likely to want to get them in trouble.

Why it matters:

The outcome is the same whether the intent is loving or calculated: the child learns that this adult gives them things, makes them feel special, and operates outside normal rules. That dynamic creates attachment and loyalty that can be exploited.

What to say:

“We love that you want to spoil [child] -  that’s a grandparent’s right. But when it goes against what we’ve said as parents, it puts them in a confusing position. Can we agree on what’s okay? We want them to enjoy their time with you - not feel like they’re caught in the middle.”

7. Insisting on Sleeping in the Same Bed

What a grandparent might say or do:

Wanting the grandchild to sleep in their bed during sleepovers, even when there are other sleeping options available. Presented as bonding, comfort, tradition.

What a predator does:

Seeks to share a bed with a child - especially when other sleeping arrangements are available. Uses the cover of darkness and physical closeness.

Why it matters:

There is rarely a genuine need for an adult and a child to share a bed when other options exist. A grandparent who insists on this arrangement when a child has their own sleeping space available, or when a child is old enough to sleep independently, is worth gently questioning - not accusing, but clarifying.

What to say:

“[Child] is at an age where they’re sleeping independently now. We’d like them to have their own space at your place too. It’s not about you - it’s about building good habits around sleep and privacy for them.”

And Now the Part That’s Hard to Say

If you explain these things to a family member - calmly, clearly, with love -  and they respond with:

• Anger or defensiveness
• Accusations that you’re overreacting
• Dismissing your concerns entirely
• Continuing the behaviours anyway
• Going behind your back after the conversation

Then you have learned something important.

Not that they are a predator. But that they are not a safe, protective adult for your child to be around unsupervised.

A safe adult -  regardless of age, relationship, or intention - will hear your concerns and adjust. They might not fully understand. They might find it difficult. But they will try. Because they love your child more than they love being right.

An adult who prioritises their own comfort, their own way of doing things, or their own feelings over the safety boundaries you have set for your child has told you something about their judgement.

And a child should not be left alone with an adult whose judgement you cannot trust.

That is not a punishment. It is protection.

How to Have the Conversation

Here are a few things to keep in mind before you approach this with a family member:

• Lead with love, not accusation. “We’re working on something really important with the kids and we need everyone on the same page.”
• Focus on the child’s learning, not the adult’s behaviour. “We’re teaching them that their body belongs to them, and that means everyone respects that, including us.”
• Be specific and clear. Don’t hint. Say exactly what you need.
• Hold the line. You are not required to soften your child’s safety to spare someone’s feelings.
• Follow through. If the behaviour continues after the conversation, act accordingly.

You are not being a difficult parent. You are being an informed one.

The Bottom Line

Grandparents and family members are often the most loved, most trusted adults in a child’s life. That relationship is precious. It should be protected - by making sure it is built on a foundation that is safe for the child.

Teaching your family about body safety, consent, and protective behaviours is not an attack on them. It is an invitation to be part of your child’s protection.

Most will rise to that invitation. And for those who don’t -  well, now you know what to do.

If you want practical tools to start these conversations with your children and to share with the adults in your family - my Body Safety Card Deck is designed exactly for that. Simple. Practical. No scripts required.

Because this conversation - the one you’re nervous about having at the dinner table - might be the most important one you ever have.

Grab the physical cards here: https://www.kristimcvee.com/presale-conversations-with-kids-hard-copy-cards

Grab your digital copies here: https://www.kristimcvee.com/conversations-with-kids