"It's Our Little Secret" - Why comments like this are a red flag, even when it's harmless

A few parents have come to me recently with a version of a similar story.

A grandparent giving their grandchild a treat, one they know will spoil dinner and says, "this is just our little secret."

A child’s teacher has personal opinions about a topic that they know parents might find upsetting and says, "don't tell your mum and dad."

A parent allows their child to download an app or game that they know the other co-parent wouldn’t be ok with and says, "this stays between us."

Every one of these adults meant no ill intent or harm in the moment, but I still want you to call it out if you see or hear about it. This behaviour is causing more confusion than we realise and it’s making it easier for them to be groomed and abused. 

Here are the three reasons this matters more than most parents realise:

1. Children can't always tell the difference between a harmless secret and a harmful one

A young child doesn't always have the cognitive tools to weigh intent, yet. They can't sort "this is a fun, low-stakes secret from someone who loves me" from "this is a secret that's designed to control me." All they learn is the pattern: when a trusted adult asks me to keep something secret from mum and dad, I do it.

That pattern doesn't stay contained to the person who taught it or to that one situation. Once a child learns that keeping secrets from their safe adults is normal and expected, they'll apply that same rule to other situations and the next adult who asks might not be so harmless. 

2. It's a warm-up technique abusers use - whether the adult knows it or not

In my years investigating child sexual abuse, one of the clearest patterns in offender behaviour was secret testing.

Often before any abuse occurs, an offender will run small, low-risk secrets past a child to see what happens. Will the child tell someone? Will the parents notice? Will anyone ask questions?

"Don't tell mum and dad" is often that test, whether or not the person saying it has any harmful intent. A grandparent using the phrase over a biscuit isn't running a grooming test - but they are, unintentionally, giving the child a rehearsal that another more harmful adult will exploit. The child learns that it’s ok to keep secrets from their safe parents or caregivers and the child also learns that silence is often rewarded, or at least, that it doesn't cause a problem, long before abuse occurs.

An adult who does intend harm is watching for exactly that response. If a child has already been conditioned to keep secrets from their safe adults, it’s made it easier for them to groom a child into keeping abuse quiet. 

3. Safe adults don’t ask kids to keep secrets

This is the line I want every parent, grandparent, teacher and coach to sit with: if you do something a parent might not love - an extra treat, a bent rule, a "just this once" - that's yours to own. It’s up to you as the ‘safe adult’ to tell the parent yourself, or be ready for the child to and deal with the discussion with the parent. 

A genuinely safe adult has nothing to hide from a child's parents or caregivers. If what you did or said needs to stay hidden, that's worth asking yourself why.

The fix is simple

Teach kids the difference between a secret and a surprise:

• A secret has no end date. It's meant to stay hidden indefinitely and it often makes us feel unsafe or sets off our early warning signs.
• A surprise has an end date. Everyone finds out, and it's something to celebrate and safe to share. 

"Don't tell mum and dad you got an extra biscuit" is a secret. "Let's keep the birthday cake a surprise until Saturday" is a surprise. Kids can learn this distinction early, and once they have it, they have language to tell you, when anyone crosses the line.

And as the adults around them, we model it. No "our little secret." ever. Regardless if your intention is harmless or not.

As I taught my daughter body safety, we had the family rule - “We don’t keep secrets in our family” and it was something I repeated over and over to my daughter as she got older.

If anyone asked her to keep a secret, she would repeat to them from as early as I can remember, a version of that. She would tell me when her nan would give her a milkshake on the way home, or if another child told her not to tell me when they did something that wasn’t safe or appropriate.

She never got in trouble for sharing anything with me and I always made sure to thank her when she did speak up.

In my years as a detective, I never once met a child who didn't have an adult in their life they could have told. The problem was - no one had ever told them it was okay to speak and no one ever gave them the language they needed to be able to tell someone. 

Kristi x 

Want an easy way to start this conversation at home? Our body safety card sets give you the words to teach kids the secret vs surprise difference, and so much more. www.conversationswithkids.com.au