You can't stuff this up - all you need to do is try

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook. And if it did, I'm pretty sure none of us would have time to read it between the school runs, the tantrums, and the seventeen snacks a day.

But here's what I know - as both a mum and a former Detective Senior Constable who spent nearly a decade investigating child sexual abuse - trying is enough. Showing up is enough. And the fact that you're even reading this tells me you're already doing better than you think.

Over the years, I sat across from hundreds of families in some of the hardest moments of their lives. And five things kept coming up - not as failures, but as lessons I carried home to my own family every single night.

1. You don't have to know everything.

There is no handbook for parenting, and you are not expected to be an oracle. Some of the most powerful words I ever said to my own child were "I don't know, but let's figure it out together." That moment of honesty doesn't make you look weak - it makes you look human. And human is exactly what your child needs you to be because it gives them permission to just 'be' as well. 

2. Talking about the hard stuff won't scare them - staying silent will.

I can't count the number of times a parent said to me, "I didn't want to put ideas in their head" or "I thought they were too young." Here's what I witnessed time and time again: kids aren't scared by age-appropriate conversations about sex, strangers, tricky people, pornography, or sending images. What actually frightens them is having no one to talk to. Feeling alone and unable to come to you is far more damaging than anything they will encounter growing up. You being present and willing to talk is the single greatest protective factor you have.

3. If you're not the safe person, someone else will be - and they might not have good intentions.

This one is the one that kept me up at night as a detective and as a parent. If your child doesn't feel safe coming to you with the hard stuff - the peer pressure, the confusing things they've seen online, the adult who made them feel uncomfortable - they will find someone else to talk to. Peers, pornography, and predators are very good at filling that gap. I always wanted it to be me my daughter came to. That was my north star as a parent. To be the person that she knew would be there for her no matter what. Even when I felt unsure or that maybe she wasn't old enough for the answer. Make yourself the person they choose, by being available, non-reactive, and genuinely curious about their world and believe me when I say, that if they are coming to you, it's a really big deal. 

4. "My child would never" is one of the most dangerous things a parent can believe.

Kids are kids. They are impulsive, peer-influenced, curious, and still developing the part of their brain responsible for consequences. Not because they are bad kids - but because they are kids. Not one child I ever interviewed set out to make a catastrophic decision or wanted to be sitting across from me and telling me what had happened. They were just navigating a world without enough tools. It's far better for our children to make smaller mistakes as children, within the safety of our guidance, than to make the bigger, more irreversible mistakes as teenagers or young adults when the stakes are so much higher.

5. Be their parent, not their friend.

I know we want our kids to like us. I get it - I really do because my heart often broke when I had to say 'no' to my daughter at times. But not one child I ever sat with in an interview room felt safer because their parent was the "cool" one. What made children feel safe was having a parent who was present, who held boundaries, and who they knew without a doubt would show up for them when things went wrong. Boundaries aren't the opposite of love - they are love in action. They signal safety, security, and that someone is paying attention. In the moment it might feel like the worse thing ever to happen, but your child will thank you one day! 

The thing about parenting is that you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to have all the answers. You just have to be there, be willing, and be open to sit with your child in the discomfort and the awkwardness. 

I struggled with this until I realised how important it was. My most used saying over the 18 years of my daughters life was: "I am your parent and it's my job to keep you safe and protect you. This might mean that I have to say no sometimes, but me saying 'no' doesn't mean I don't love you". 

My daughter recently turned 18 and she tells me that some of the harder decisions I made, like delaying social media and not allowing her to go to certain sleepovers, allowed her to feel safe and have a childhood where she knew I was always there for her. 

That's all we really want. For our kids to look back and realise that we were doing our best and that we loved them enough to protect them as best we could. 

Kristi x 

If you don't know where to start or need help in talking to your kids about things like safe and unsafe behaviours, private vs public parts, secret vs surprises and much more, check out my Conversations with Kids Body Safety cards and Online Safety Guides to help you start the conversations that matter with your kids.